I remember the day Quinn arrived on my doorstep, all I had was a motorcycle. A cheap one at that. I had to use my mom’s car, which wasn’t anything fancy or safe by today’s standards, and my sister, Yvie, often had it. The band had just started getting a sizable following and our records sold, but management pocketed most of the money back then, so I bought a run-down four-door that barely fit Quinn’s car seat. This car lasted a month or two before I invested in an SUV, something big enough to protect my son.
Today, I don’t have that issue.
When Katelyn and I arrived at the hospital, it was business as usual. I followed her to the nursery, where we found Ramona meeting with the nurse I had met the day before. Both women smiled softly, and the nurse told us to go on in and get the boy. Right then, I hated the way she said “the boy” because I already started considering him my son, which according to the rules of fostering, thanks to the internet, you shouldn’t get attached. I’m supposed to disassociate and remember he belongs to someone else, but I can’t. From the moment Katelyn told me she wanted to bring him home, to make him a part of our family, giving him the title of “son” is all I’ve thought about.
I let Katelyn lead and standby in case she needs a hand. She’s a natural at getting our baby dressed. She talks to him in a low voice, coos at him, and gently rubs her fingers over his soft skin. He reacts to her, lifting his small cheek in an attempt to smile. Still, I can’t get over how small he is, and I don’t remember Quinn looking so fragile, so delicate. Katelyn dresses him in one of the outfits she picked out at the store and asks Ramona to take our picture.
“Yes, but you can’t post it on social media,” she reminds us.
“I know,” Katelyn says.
We pose and smile for a few photos, and then Ramona hands Katelyn her phone back. “It’s your first official family photo,” she says. I don’t miss the words she’s used. She, too, must feel like we have a green light to adoption. Those words give me hope.
“No, that’ll come tomorrow when he meets his brother and sisters, aunts and uncles, and cousins,” Katelyn says as she looks at the baby. “Yes, that’s right, my little man. You have a big family waiting to meet you.”
“We should go,” I say as I put my hand on Katelyn’s lower back. “We need to get back to the store and call the kids.” Katelyn nods and continues to look at the bundle in her arms. I can
’t blame her. I’m mesmerized by him as well. She sets him down in his car seat, which seems far too big for him, even with the support piece I installed out in the parking lot. The nurse comes over after Katelyn has buckled him, checks the restraints, and gives us the instructions for his oxygen tank. Honestly, this part is makes me nervous. What if I give him too much or not enough? And what if the oxygen isn’t enough for him at night and he needs medical attention? Is he going to be strong enough to cry and let us know?
“I’m going to miss you,” she says to him. “You’re all set. Does this mean you won’t volunteer anymore?”
Katelyn shakes her head. “No, I’ll still come a couple of days a week, once we get settled and in a routine.”
The nurse smiles. “I look forward to updates.”
When given the all-clear, I grab the handle and remember how cumbersome and awkward car seats are. “You’d think someone would come up with a better system,” I mumble as we walk out of the nursery. We come around the corner, toward the nurse’s station, and everyone has gathered there. They’re clapping, not for us, but for Baby John Doe because he’s going home. Katelyn hugs a few of the women and promises to bring him back after we’ve returned from vacation.
“I’m going to sit in the back with him,” Katelyn says when we reach the car. “Just in case.” I don’t need to ask what the just in case is for. I’ve been there. Quinn hated his car seat. Each time I’d buckle him in, he’d scream, and I would think I had pinched his leg, or the straps were too tight and hurting him. Trial and error. It’s how new parents learn, and I quickly figured out it wasn’t the car seat making him cry. It was because he liked to be held. Between my mom, sister, and me, we held Quinn every chance we could.
After I snap the car seat into the holder—which is the best invention ever—I stand there for a moment and remember how cramped Quinn was in our first car and how this little guy takes up hardly any space. Katelyn situates herself next to him and starts talking to him right off.
“He needs a name,” I remind her. We’ve narrowed the list down to two names, and I like both of them.
“I want the kids to meet him first,” she tells me. A family affair, I get it. When I first saw Quinn, who didn’t have a name when his mother left him with me, his name came right to me. This little man in my backseat, I can see him with both of the names we’ve picked. Sadly, until he’s ours, he’ll be Baby John Doe and whatever number the state issued him.
After a long and exhaustive trip to the mall, the car is fully loaded with every baby item Katelyn and I could find. We decided while shopping, if the birth mother is to come back, we’ll give her everything to help her get started. I asked Katelyn if she were sure about that, and she said yes.
While Katelyn and the little man continue to bond, I put together the cradle we bought and set it up in our room. When we get back from vacation, we’ll have one of the spare rooms turned into his nursery, with a fresh coat of paint and all the wall decals we can find. By the time I’ve finished, my stomach is growling.
“Hey, babe,” I say as I come into the living room. She holds her finger up over her lips, telling me to be quiet. Having a newborn in the house is going to be an adjustment for sure. Katelyn sets the new man in her life down into the portable crib and meets me in the kitchen.
“Are you hungry?” she asks.
I nod and lean down for a kiss. “Let’s order take-out. We still have to pack, and I want to call the kids.”
“I don’t want to tell them just yet. Elle will rush over here, and then Peyton will be upset that she’s not here to help.”
“I was thinking more like having them meet us someplace tomorrow so we can arrive at the lodge as a family.”
Katelyn smiles. “I like that idea. You go call, and I’ll order dinner.”
We kiss again, but this time it’s longer. I had big plans for us tonight, but it looks like those moments with my wife might have a schedule. It won’t be the first time we had to get creative.
I head outside, the winter air is crisp and chilly, and close the sliding glass door behind me. I don’t want the baby to cry and alert the kids. After pulling up our group chat, I press the video button and hold the phone up, slightly away from my face. While I wait for them to pick up, I make funny faces to entertain myself.
“Will you stop?” I can hear Quinn before I can see his face. The twins appear next, both with odd looks on their faces.
“I get bored waiting for the three of you to answer.”