“He… he’s… gone.” I can hardly utter the words and fall to the floor. Mason is there to catch me before I hurt myself. The pain I’m feeling in my chest - it’s unbearable. I sob in Mason’s arms, barely able to catch my breath. He rubs my back, urging me to calm down, but I can’t. The love of my life has cut me open with a jagged knife and ripped my heart out before slamming it back into the open wound.
“Are you hurt, Josie?”
Am I hurt? I’m not sure how to quantify the pain I’m feeling as hurt. Hurt to me is a paper cut, or a sliver. The suffering I’m experiencing goes far beyond that. What I’m feeling now is irreparable. I’m inevitably broken.
Mason carries me to my bed, setting me down softly. He picks up the phone, but my sobs are too loud for me to hear who he is calling. I can’t stop crying, but I need to because I can’t breathe. The pressure on my chest is suffocating. My body feels like I’ve been battered, tackled by a three hundred pound lineman.
Gentle arms wrap around me, cocooning me into a bubble of warmth and love. Quiet words of reassurance are spoken, meant to guide me down a path of healing, but I’ll never heal from this. Deep in my heart, I know he’s not coming back. Katelyn barks orders at Mason, who leaves, slamming the door behind him.
I close my eyes and when I do I see Liam, standing at my doorway, refusing to come in. I should’ve known something was wrong. He shied away from my touch. The only other time he did that was after our fight the night of graduation. Let me have a do over. Let me ask Liam what’s wrong before he runs out on me.
“Can you talk?” Katelyn asks
My whole body shakes, refusing to acknowledge what just happened.
“Did you lose the baby?”
The baby. Our baby. My forearm shields my abdomen as if to protect the tiny bean growing inside of me.
“No,” I mutter through tears. “Liam.”
“What?” Katelyn sits up abruptly, almost knocking me into the wall. “What’s wrong with Liam?”
“Liam?” Mason says his name as he comes back into our room with a bottle of water and two white pills. He hands them to me slowly.
“What happened, Josie?” He’s in front of me, on his knees and pleading for answers. He thinks something awful has happened to his best friend.
Just thinking about saying his name again brings tears to my eyes. I can’t control the sob that moves through my body. I try, but to no avail and I’m quickly hyperventilating.
“What the fuck happened to Liam?”
“He…” I hiccup, trying to catch my breath, “left me.” I finish with a shudder.
The room grows silent. They also know that Liam is gone and not coming back. If there was a chance I thought he was, I wouldn’t be like this. The finality of his words, the way he said my name, has given me no hope.
“Did you tell him?” Katelyn asks, only for Mason to speak up.
“Tell him what?”
“I’m pregnant.”
Mason grits his teeth and his hands turn into fists. He looks from me to Katelyn before storming out of our room again, slamming the door behind him. It’s only a matter of seconds before the roar of his truck echoes back to our room. Katelyn sits down next to me, her fingers combing through my hair.
“Mason will find him and when he does, he’ll bring him to his senses.”
I don’t want to tell her she wrong because deep down I’m holding out hope. Hope that Liam is outside, realizing the mistake he’s made and wanting to fix it. Hope that I’m not going to raise this baby alone.
That memory hurts to think about, but it’s fresh in my mind almost daily and it shouldn’t be. I forgave Liam a long time ago, and to hold on to the one memory that ruined us isn’t fair to him. He would’ve stayed if I was able to blurt the words out, but I couldn’t. I thought I was enough. I thought the love that we shared was enough to keep him grounded.
I wipe away a stray tear. I don’t know if it’s from that moment, or for thinking about Mason. It could be either. He was my rock from that day onward, never questioning or asking if I’d heard from Liam. He knew I would’ve told him if I had. I also know it was him who found out the number of Liam’s agency.
The hall is dark and quiet which tells me Noah is still sleeping. I’m thankful that our outburst didn’t wake him or if it did, he’s not letting me know. Liam and I don’t fight and maybe that’s the problem because right now I feel like I’m losing him. It’s something I shouldn’t have to experience again, however part of me is always wondering if he’s just a figment of my imagination or a dream. Am I going to wake up and realize this life I’ve been living these past few years is nothing but a dream; a medically induced coma from an accident? Is Mason alive and well, coaching at the high school where he and Liam set records?
I don’t want this life to be part of some accident or only in my imagination. The day he walked back into my life, I didn’t think we’d end up together. I told myself that he was a drifter, unable to commit to anything. Protecting Noah was my priority, but the second he figured out Liam was his dad, I knew I had a battle on my hands. As much as I wanted Liam to go away and never come back, I didn’t want him to leave. Not only for Noah’s sake, but also for mine.
I love Liam and the paths we’re forging together. Sometimes I wonder if I show him enough that I do. Telling him I love him is one thing. Showing him is something entirely different. I can’t help wondering if I’m failing as a wife in that regard. Am I failing him as a partner?
There’s a soft melody coming from his studio. I pause at the top of the stairs and listen, resting my head on the wall. The sound is familiar and one I haven’t heard in a while. It makes me wonder if he’s preparing his set lists for this event in LA or if he’s just practicing. He’s going to Los Angeles whether I like it or not – that’s something I have no choice but to accept.