She laughs, her chest pushing against mine. I roll over and cover my eyes with my forearm. I’m exhausted and know for a fact that I didn’t last that long. If I wasn’t so tired and hung over, I’d care, but I don’t. I can always show her again after a nice long shower and nap if that’s what she wants. I’m thinking that’s not what she wants though and I’d be okay with that.
“Yeah, was it good for you?” she snorts when she finishes her question and I’m laughing right along the side of her. You always fear that stupid cheesy line, but when it actually happens you realize you can’t help but laugh. “Oh God I just snorted.”
“It was cute,” I add to ease her embarrassment. “But yes it was good. I’m just sorry I didn’t last longer.”
“You were perfect and last night was amazing.”
I wish I could agree with her, but I can’t. Bits and pieces are coming back to me, but it’s all in a fog. Something tells me though that she’s one I won’t forget even if I don’t remember the specifics.
Chapter 31
When I get home, I find my grandma sitting in her sunroom. The view is breathtaking, making it easy to understand why she prefers this room to the others. Her gardens are nicely landscaped with birds taking advantage of the late summer sun. I lean down and kiss her on the cheek, but she doesn’t show any emotion. There’s no reaction from her. For the first time since I’ve been here, my grandma isn’t smiling at me. My chest tightens immediately with the knowledge that something is wrong.
“Sit down, Liam.” Her voice is stern, commanding.
I do as she says, taking the seat next to her. My hands clutch the arm rests as I prepare for the worst. Whatever I’ve done, it’s pissed her off and I know I’m going to end up paying for my actions. She’s probably shipping me back to Beaumont, but I won’t go. If I have to live out of my truck and bus tables, I’ll do it.
“I’m not going to set rules for you, but I do have one request and if it can’t be met, I can’t have you living here. I’m far too old to be up worrying all night because you haven’t come home. So I’m going to ask that you call me or let me know beforehand if you plan on staying out all night.”
I hang my head in shame. I hadn’t thought about what she might be thinking when I didn’t come back last night. My parents – they didn’t care – and I didn’t give a shit if they did. I’d leave many times in the middle of the night and not give pause to what
they’d think if they found that I wasn’t in my room.
“The life here, it’s different from what you’re used to. The rules are different. The people – they don’t care about you – all they care about is what they can do to make you be a pawn in their game. As much as you probably don’t want to admit it, you’re naïve. I don’t want to know where you were or what you were doing, but I want you to be safe. I’ve been around long enough to know the cycle doesn’t change with each generation. It just gets worse.
“I know you want to be famous, even if you can’t admit that to yourself. Everyone at one time in their life thinks about being famous and you have the opportunity knocking on your door. I told you I can make some calls, but you asked me not to. And because of that you need to do it on your own. Your mom was the same way. I respect that about you, you’re not looking for handouts, but you have to remember that each and every person you meet in the industry wants something from you in return. It’s a never-ending cycle in Hollywood. Nothing is for free, despite what you’re being told.
“Like I said, I don’t want to know where you were last night, but I want you to be careful. I want you to think with your head and not always your heart. The booze, drugs and women are on every corner and in every club, and if you’re not cautious you’ll end up in a hole that even I can’t dig you out of. “
My grandma goes silent as I replay her words. I’m a total shit for not considering her feelings last night when I left and I’m sure at one point I had every intention on coming home, but Layla and her magic pill threw every inhibition I had out the window. Not that I mind except for the fact that my actions have hurt the one person who is supporting me not because of my dream, but because she’s my grandma. She doesn’t care if I’m a football player, a musician or a bum. She loves me for me.
My grandma eyes me as I scoot my chair next to hers. I have a feeling the chair wasn’t supposed to move or hasn’t moved in years. It’s okay though, we’re making all types of changes in our lives, her and I together.
I take her hand in mine and smile when she squeezes it. “I’m sorry, grandma. I truly am. The last thing I want to do is to disappoint or even upset you. I had every intention of coming back last night. I didn’t mean to disrespect you and it won’t happen again.”
She squeezes my hand again and sighs. “Did you have fun last night?”
“Yes, I did. Harrison took me to the club he works at. There was a band playing and after we went to a dance club. I just lost track of time.” I hate lying to her, but telling her that I ended up with the lead singer in some drug-induced haze probably isn’t want she wants to hear. It was my first night out and while I had a great time, knowing that I’ve upset and disrespected my grandma doesn’t sit well with me. I need to be more responsible and respectful of her feelings.
I also need to make sure that what happened last night never happens again. I’m not ready. As much as I want to be over her, I’m not. When I close my eyes, I dream of her. Some nights it’s a nightmare and other nights, its memories of the times we’ve spent together. I replay in my mind the voicemail she left me last night. The anger in her voice and the knowledge that she finally hates me, is a relief in a way. I can’t take the crying and the begging. She doesn’t understand that I just need one weak moment and I’ll be running back to her. If I do, nothing has changed. I’m still the Liam that she wants to love on the outside, but on the inside, I’m different and I don’t know how to show her that. I’m weak and I don’t deserve someone like Josephine Preston. I’ve had a taste of what I want and I need to try to accomplish that. I need to pay my dues and if I fail, I’ll suffer the consequences. I’m prepared for that.
My decision to leave her the way I did still weighs heavily on my chest and in my heart. From the message I saved I know her heart is broken, but mine is too. The pain is evident with every breath I take. The cinderblock that is sitting on my chest isn’t budging and after last night, it’s only worse. I should’ve known better than to take what was offered on Layla’s tongue, but my mind… it was replaying her voicemail over and over again and I needed to shut everything off. I wanted to mute the noise and just let my body feel nothing for a brief moment.
I sigh and relax in the chair. My grandma pats my arm, maybe understanding my pain more than she lets on. Someday I plan to ask her more about my grandfather and even my mother and how she met my father. I know it’s not something she wants to talk about, but I have questions and I’m hoping that the day will come that we can sit down and she’ll reveal everything with me.
“I’m sorry, grandma. I really am,” I say without reservation. “I met some people and let the excitement of the night take over. It won’t happen again.”
“It will, Liam, and that’s okay. I just ask that you call or tell me before you leave if you plan to stay out. When I go to sleep at night I want to sleep peacefully, but knowing you were out last night, you’re first real night out in LA, I was worried. That’s all.”
I lean in and kiss her on her cheek again. This time she meets me half way and I know I’m forgiven. My cell phone rings and when I look at the number, it’s one I don’t recognize.
“Hello?”
“Liam? Trixie. Six-thirty.” The phone goes dead before I have a chance to respond. I pull my phone away from ear and look at it as if it’s offended me.
“Everything okay?”
I clear my throat. “Yeah. I think I get to play tonight at Metro.”