I try to pull her back to me. This is the only time we can touch and she’s just declared that she’ll follow me anywhere and now she’s standing too far away.
I shrug. I can’t remember the last time I was spontaneous, aside from asking Josie to marry me.
“Can’t say that I have,” I reply. I finally give up and drag her back toward the dorm. I can’t see her face and its driving me nuts. I stop us just outside of our residence. There is enough light that we can see each other when we talk. I like this better, although we’ll have to keep our voices down. “Now tell me what’s going on in that mind of yours.”
Her grin is wicked with an evil little glint in her eyes. She’s up to something and I have a feeling I’m going to be on the receiving end whether I like it or not. I pull her to me, my hand cupping the back of her head, holding her to me as I kiss her
deeply. The man in me wants to take her. Make her mine. The volunteer in me knows we have to abide by the rules. They are set that way to protect us. As much as I want to say screw it and take her back to my room, I know I can’t.
“Marry me?”
Chapter 4
“Why not, Josie? We live together. We are raising your son as our own. We celebrate holidays and birthdays as a family. Tell me why not after three years? Why don’t you want to marry me?”
Josie looks at me with tears in her eyes. She wipes them angrily, smearing her make-up in the process. “I don’t know.”
“That’s not a reason and you know it.” I kick my shoes off and head to her bedroom. I’m done calling it our bedroom. Clearly I’m in the wrong here, thinking we have something special.
I stare into the closet and look at my clothes next to hers. I can’t stay here, not tonight. Not after this second rejection. My suitcase mocks me in the corner, reminding me that nothing in this house, aside from clothes and a few books, is mine. I moved into her home. I never gave it a second thought. Noah’s stuff is here and it made sense. The house is big enough for the three of us, even though I want to expand our family.
I think I need to give her space. Maybe that’s the only answer. I pull my suitcase out of the closet and set it on the bed. The zipper is loud, echoing throughout the room. I shake my head as I start unloading my side of the dresser. The anger builds with each load until I’m throwing stuff into the dark hole.
Yanking my shirts and slacks off the hangers, they go flying, hitting the walls and ceiling. I know I’m making more noise than necessary, but I’m pissed. Why does she keep saying no and when am I going to grow a fucking set and just leave her? Clearly she doesn’t love me like I love her. I’m always battling a ghost for her affection.
“What are you doing?”
I look at her, standing in the doorway of the closet, my breathing labored. “What does it look like I’m doing?”
“It looks like you’re leaving me.”
“Ding… ding… ding... Johnny, tell her what she’s won.” I step to her. “Well, Johnny, Ms. Preston has won her life back. She no longer has to pretend to be in love with the good doctor.” I turn away before I can see her reaction. I may have been a little harsh, but I don’t care. I’m done being the only one to put effort into our relationship. I stalk past her, bumping her shoulder as I pass.
“You can’t do this.”
“Yes I can.” I throw my pile of clothes into my suitcase and head to the bathroom. She steps in front of me, blocking my path. If I didn’t love her, I’d pick her up and move her out of my way. I tower over her. She’s my little rag doll. “Move, Josephine.”
“You can’t leave me.”
“Unbelievable. You want me to stay? You want me to live here knowing that you don’t love me? The first time I understood; we hadn’t been together that long. But now? There’s no excuse. You don’t love me, I get that. I’ll get my things and be out of your hair in an hour.”
Josie puts her hands on my chest, stopping me from moving. “I do love you, Nick. I love you so much, but I’m scared. I’m so scared that I’m going to say yes and everything will change. I love the life we share and marriage changes things. It changes people.”
“I want a life with you, Josie. I want to have a baby.”
She looks away and I know in my heart that she’s not ready for that. Being a mom at eighteen really does a number on some people.
“I’m not ready.”
“Yeah I know, but I am and I need to think about me too. Three years, Josie. Most women are begging their men to ask them after one. I’ve asked twice and each time you’ve turned me down. I can’t take anymore rejection.”
“Nick, I love you. I do. I’m scared.” Her hands move up my chest. I know I should stop her advances, but I can’t. I’m putty when it comes to her. I’ve wanted her for so long I’m willing to torture myself just to keep her.
“I’m scared I’m going to lose you.”
“You won’t lose me,” she says as her fingers unbutton my shirt. I need to tell her no. We’ve been down this path before. It leads to the bed, amazing sex and me forgetting how we got to this point.
My hands clamp down on her wrist, stopping her from finishing the job. “It won’t work this time.”