“Honestly, I’m not sure. I’m in love with the idea that she represented. She has a son that I raised for six years and to wake-up and for them not to be there is painful. I miss him a lot. I miss being his dad and his friend, but I can’t be there for him right now.”
“What happened?”
I take the swing next her and move myself back and forth. “Her ex came back and it was like I didn’t exist. I couldn’t fight for her because she was so lost to him that I didn’t stand a chance. I tried, she tried, but it was just a matter of time before she went back to him and I couldn’t be there to watch that.”
Chapter 3
Tonight I plan to kiss Aubrey. We’ve fallen into a routine, well as much as we can have here. Each night after dinner, we take a walk. Things have been platonic and I know that’s because of me. Her subtle touches are telling me everything I need to know, I’m just afraid to take that step. We won’t always be here and I only volunteered for one year. She lives here and plans to go to college. What if we start something only to have to end it too soon? Or what if it doesn’t work out between us? I’m not sure I want the awkwardness. I can’t live in fear though.
When I walk into the clinic, Aubrey is helping an expectant mom. She looks at me with worried eyes and I know we’ll be in for a long day. She settles the mom in a room and comes back with her chart.
“What’s her status?” I’m in doctor mode even though she’s been on my mind all day. I thought I’d get tired of seeing her, but it’s been weeks since our first dinner and I've welcomed the thought of seeing her every day whether it’s at work or after.
“She’ll be ready in about an hour.”
“You think so?” I ask, looking up from the file.
“Yes, I’m betting dinner.”
I extend my hand out to shake hers. “You’re on. I’m off to see our patient.”
It doesn’t take long for me assess the soon-to-be mom. She’s young. She just turned fifteen. This is the part of the job I hate. I don’t mind taking care of sick babies and children, but when a young girl walks in with a protruding belly, anger boils inside of me. Most of these young girls are raped when they’re out in the field working for their families. On the rare occasion one will come in with her equally young husband and I can’t help but think about Noah in a few years and wonder if this could be him some day. I would hope not.
I watch the clock and smile when active labor starts. Aubrey now owes me dinner. It’s been an hour and half. I walk out to get her and tap my watch. She rolls her eyes and follows me back to the room.
Aubrey administers meds, but only enough to dull the pain. I need the girl awake and functioning enough to push her baby out. We are limited here with supplies and staff so the mother needs to do more than one would be required in a modern hospital. Aubrey holds her hand, something the baby’s dad or even this young girl’s parents should be doing, but not in this society.
Aubrey tells her to push, but is met with resistance. This is when an additional set of hands would be helpful. Aubrey works to calm her while I carefully push the baby forward by adding pressure to her abdomen. She screams out in pain and it makes me want to kill the man that did this to her. For every beautiful thing this country offers there is equally something disgusting to tarnish my opinion.
A local mid-wife comes in, unexpected, but definitely needed. She takes over for me so I can take care of the patient and she’ll take care of the delivery. Aubrey strokes the young woman’s head, whispering to her. I don’t know what she’s telling her, but it seems to be working. She keeps her eyes locked on Aubrey the whole time, the two of them sharing something I’ll never understand and I’m okay with that. The mid-wife speaks to her and she listens. The pushing starts and within minutes the room is filled with the sweet sounds of a newborn.
I take the baby from the mid-wife and start running the standard newborn tests making sure this precious baby is perfect. For the most part the baby looks healthy. I wash the little girl and hand her back to her mom. The bond is instant. Regardless of how this baby was conceived, she’s going to love her daughter.
I’m exhausted when I enter the makeshift bathroom. I wash my hands and splash cold water on my face. The delivery took longer than expected. When I came here I didn’t know I’d be delivering babies, but I really couldn’t say no. I’m here to give my service to these people who need it.
Aubrey enters. I can tell it’s her. My body is already reacting to her presence. Her hands find my back and they start massaging my shoulders. I close my eyes and stay still, allowing her to work some magic on my tight muscles. Her hands feel so good, her fingers working the stiff knots. I drop to my knees so she’s not reaching over me. She chuckles lightly, but moves behind me to finish the job. I roll my head from side to side as her fingers move into my hair.
I can feel her breath on my neck. Her nose skimming along my jaw, she’s no longer massaging my neck. Her lips press against my neck. This isn’t how I wanted our first kiss to happen. Not at work, not after an intense delivery.
I turn on my knees and face her. Her white blond hair is pulled back in a messy bun, a few loose strands framing her face. Her eyes glisten. I move the stray hair away from her face and cup her cheeks. I lean forward, kissing her lightly. I do it again with a bit more pressure. She gasps when my tongue runs along her lower lip. She grabs a fist full o
f my shirt and pulls me closer, which is my signal to stop.
“We need to stop.”
Her face falls and she releases my shirt. She moves back. “Oh, okay. I just thought—”
I stand and pull her hand into mine. “No, you thought right. I just don’t think this is the place for us to… you know.”
“Okay.”
I pull her close, wrapping my arm around her waist. “Believe me when I say I want to kiss you and can’t wait to collect after dinner.” I kiss the top of her nose and walk out of the bathroom. I need to get away from her before lust takes over and I do something in that small room that I’ll regret.
After work, I head back to the dorms. I need some time alone to think. Kissing Aubrey wasn’t a mistake, but throughout the day I started questioning myself. Am I ready for a relationship?
What Josie and I had, it was real, at least for me and I’m not sure I’ll be able to cope with another letdown. I can’t do causal. It’s not in my nature, so that’s out of the question. I suppose Aubrey and I need to sit down and discuss what we each want and make a decision from there. I can’t get hurt again. I just can’t.
I meet Aubrey out in front of the dorms once the sun goes down. They keep us fairly segregated here, with men on one side of the dorm and woman on the other. Only married couples are allowed to share a room. They don’t encourage fraternization either, something we need to be cautious of. I know that I don’t want to get kicked out of the program.