“June told me after I pounded on your, I mean, her door. Did you think I was going to give up trying to talk to you?”
Ben shrugs. “I sort of hoped you would.”
“I think you know me better than that.” He nods but doesn’t say anything. He looks over his shoulder, and I lean to the side to find his friend still standing there. “Do you need to go to her, Ben?”
He turns back to me and shakes his head. “I should, Elle. I should tell you to turn around and go back to California, to leave me alone, to let me live a life away from your level of crazy. But you’re here, and I can’t find the words, even though I just said them.”
“Ben?” her voice calls out.
“Give me a minute,” he says back to her. “I don’t know what to do here, Elle. I never expected you to show up or even care that I’ve been gone.”
His words cause me to step back. “Do you really think I’m that shallow? That I wouldn’t care that you moved away and didn’t say goodbye? I’ve been trying to give you space because…”
“Because why?”
“Can we talk inside?” I ask. He nods and turns toward his apartment. I’m praying he doesn’t live with her, but if he does, I guess she’s going to hear everything. I may have to leave some of the details out, like why I’m truly here though.
“Talia, this is Elle,” he says, nodding to me.
“This is Talia?” I ask, watching as Ben’s face falls. “I think I’ll head to the hotel.” I don’t give Ben time to say anything before I’m walking down the street. Tears threatened, but I hold them at bay. They need to wait until I’m in the comfort of my suite, where I can cry loudly, and no one will bother me.
“Elle, wait.” Ben grabs my arm and spins me around. “Just stop, okay.”
“No, I won’t. For years we’ve been best friends and then…” I take a deep breath. “Everything changed. Almost immediately, you disappear and tell me you have a girlfriend named Talia, and when I find you, you’re living together.” I stop and shake my head, wondering how life became so complicated. Oh yes, I remember the night well, thanks to my therapist. “I’m sorry, I bothered you.” I turn to leave, but he steps in front of me.
“You don’t get to show up here and expect things to be the same as they were in Los Angeles. I’m not the same man I was there. I had to make some changes, and you were one of them, and it kills me, Elle. I hate not having you in my life, but I can’t go back there with you, not after—”
“I know.”
“What do you mean, you know?”
I square my shoulders and prepare to tell him about the night our lives changed. I didn’t want to have this conversation on the street, but I’m left with no choice. “You lied to me, Benjamin Miller. I asked you what happened the night of your birthday and you lied. I knew, deep down, something wasn’t right, but I couldn’t figure it out. I felt different, and couldn’t ask you because you were avoiding me. For weeks, I begged to talk to you, hoping you’d come clean, but you refused. You ignored my calls and texts, and when you finally do get on the phone, you tell me it was a mistake. I know I screwed up, Ben, but you’re supposed to be my best friend. You’re supposed to call me out on my bullshit. So I’m asking you, what happened the night of your birthday?”
Ben runs his hand through his hair, ruffling the coifed look. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Are you embarrassed to be with me, Ben?”
“What? Are you joking right now? Any guy would give his right arm to date you, Elle.”
“Except you.”
He shakes his head. “I’ve given everything I have to you. I have nothing left.” Ben sounds defeated, and I hate it. I hate not hearing the happiness that belongs in his voice.
I grab hold of his collar and pull him down, so we’re eye to eye. “The night of your birthday, we slept together, three times to be exact. I remember it all, Ben. Every caress, every kiss and every time you looked into my eyes. I deserve the way you’ve treated me, but I’m here, asking for your forgiveness and asking you, if maybe, you’d like to go on a date with me and, if maybe, you’re willing to let me in and try a relationship because, Ben, I’m a shell of who I should be when you’re not around.”
“You don’t need a man to make you whole, Elle.”
“You’re right. I just need you.” I let go of him and pull out my phone. “I’m texting you my hotel and room number. I’ll be there until Sunday night if you want to talk.” With that, I leave Ben standing on the sidewalk. I’m tempted to look over my shoulder, but I don’t. I want to imagine him standing there, watching me walk away.
26
Ben
When did this become my life? At one end of the street, there’s a woman I want to get to know watching me and likely wondering what the heck is going on. At the other end, is the woman I have loved most of my life, putting herself out there for me to take and walking away after pouring her heart out to me. One, I know everything about, while the other; I’m starting to learn. One is safe, while the other is unpredictable and crazy.
I look over at Talia, and she waves. It’s her thing. The little finger wave meant to bring a smile to a man’s face. It does, and I find myself walking toward her. She reaches for my hand as I climb the stairs. I let her take it even though I’m torn up inside. I have a decision to make, one where someone ends up hurt.
Talia and I walk up the three flights of stairs to our hallway. We stop at her door because that was the plan, to watch a movie and have a second dinner, but I’m not feeling it. “I need to think,” I tell her as I pull my keys out of my pocket. I don’t bother to make sure Talia gets into her apartment safely before I close my door and press my back into it.