Ben
From my parking spot, I stare at my second-floor bedroom window with an uneasy feeling, or maybe it’s dread. I’m not really sure at this point because I’ve never felt like I’ve had the weight of the world on my shoulders for something as trivial as sex, especially with my best friend. Any guy worth his nuts would’ve come clean when asked and probably boasted about the fact the deed was done, but that’s not me, and now I’m wondering how to make it through the next few weeks until I can leave because I’m definitely leaving once I tell my professor my decision.
I just can’t seem to bring myself to make the phone call or walk to his office after class today. My one good bit of luck for today is that he wasn’t teaching and his aid was, which meant I didn’t have to face Jacobs.
The truth is, I’d be an idiot for giving up this opportunity. I don’t care if the internship is for one quarter, that’s weeks of knowledge that could catapult my career. I’d have my foot in the door at one of the most prestigious marketing firms in the country with a job offer likely when I graduate. So why am I so hesitant to accept? My decision on whether to go or not shouldn’t be based on what my best friend or former BFF is going to do when I’m gone or what she’s going to think. Honestly, Elle should be happy, beyond ecstatic, that I’m even a candidate for this position.
The thing about living in the same complex is I can never escape Elle, until this weekend, that is. I thought for sure I’d run into her each time I went outside, but I didn’t. Never mind she never contacted me. I don’t know if I was expecting her to call me in the middle of the night like she normally does or what. Stupidly, I stayed up, waiting and thinking about what I would say to her. All night I replayed the conversation we’d have. I’d tell her everything and ask her for a chance, showing my brother he’s wrong about Elle. Of course, I had the opposite conversation too, with her telling me we’d never be anything more than friends. Unfortunately, this is the last thought I had before I went to sleep, which is just another reason why I need to let Elle go.
After my last class, I head home. Normally, I’d spend some time in the library because getting homework done at home is near impossible. As my luck would have it, there’s a party at the pool, evident by the number of giggles and splashing I can hear.
This apartment complex is full of students, so it’s not uncommon for people to gather at the pool this close to spring break, but still a distraction I don’t need with finals coming up.
It isn’t until I round the corner do I see Elle. I stand back in the shadows, watching her. She’s dressed in a hot pink bikini, one I haven’t seen before, but I like it. The color compliments her tan skin. She has a group of girls with her, who are all dancing in the water to the music playing. Each one has a drink in their hand. I’m curious about what Elle’s drinking from her in Nalgene bottle, but I don’t dare ask. I need to separate myself from her life, and this is one way to start.
Squaring my shoulders, I keep my head down and pretend like I’m completely oblivious to the world around me. If this were last week, I’d go right over to the pool and take part in the festivities for a little while before going up to my apartment. The new me can’t do that.
“Ben!” I’d know her voice from anywhere. It pains me to face her, knowing she doesn’t remember what happened between us.
I stop and wave in a half-assed attempt at being civil when all I really want to do is run upstairs and hide behind my closed door. Everything Brad said to me about letting her go rushes to my mind as I smile or grimace, depending on who’s looking. What my brother didn’t say is that I’m a weak-minded man when it comes to Elle James. She controls just about every single aspect of me, and she knows it.
“Come join us,” Elle beckons.
I have one foot on the step, and the other pointed toward her, both wanting to go in their own direction and neither making the decision any easier.
“Yeah, come on, Ben.” One of Elle’s friends waves me over. I’d love to be any other guy right now because a swimming pool full of women is literally every guy’s dream. Except for mine, because I only want one person and she doesn’t want me back.
“Sorry, I need to study. Big final coming up.” The girls laugh. I’m not sure who, but there’s definitely more than one giggling at my statement, which makes my decision an easy one. My brain wins out while my heart berates me for my decision. I take the stairs two at a time, cognizant of Elle calling my name.
With my front door closed, I lean against it, wishing the music downstairs would shut off, and the women would leave. But it won’t happen. Quinn will come home, and Elle will bat her blue eyes until he starts up the grill. The pool p
arty will expand, and everyone will get in on the social soirée. Everyone but me because doing so would only put me back to square one, and I need to move on.
Homework is the only thing that will get my mind off the party outside. My books are spread out in front of me and my laptop’s open. The blank white page and black cursor are waiting for my infinite wisdom and the social economic change in business when a new president is elected. I’m supposed to take an unbiased approach, which I’m not sure anyone can.
As soon as I put my headphones on and turn on my music, I start typing and quickly lose track of time. It’s dusk when I stand and stretch, making my way to the kitchen. The refrigerator is empty and all the food left over from my birthday party was spoiled when I didn’t put it away. “What a waste,” I say to myself, although I don’t know if I’m talking about the food, the party or the night with Elle. I suppose it’s all three combined.
I take out my last remaining beer and pop the top before heading toward the window, which is framed by the curtains that came with the apartment. They used to be white but have turned some sickly cream or yellowish color after years of hanging from the same rod.
I pull one to the side as stealthily as possible, except there isn’t anything remotely coy about what I’m doing. Anyone watching will see my curtain move, and if they study hard enough, they’ll see me standing there, lurking like a freaking peeping tom.
From what I can see, the party has doubled in size, and now the women are playing volleyball. Elle’s sitting on the edge of the pool with her long legs in the water. She points and laughs and my stomach aches. What I wouldn’t give to be carefree like her, to not have a care in the world. That’ll never be me, not in this lifetime.
I could go down there and act like Elle, pretend like nothing is wrong, like nothing has happened between us. Technically, that’s what I told her, so why should she believe otherwise.
I should’ve been honest with her from the beginning, back when I started developing feelings for her, but I held myself in check and enjoyed our friendship. Now look at me, I’m hiding in my apartment because I can’t face her.
My life has become a barrage of things I should’ve, could’ve or would’ve done. I guess that’s why hindsight is fifty-fifty. Once you’ve made a choice or mistake, you’re like damn, here’s a laundry list of ways things could’ve been different.
My shoulder aches from the way I’m leaning against the wall, but I ignore the pain and continue to spy on the party. Every few minutes someone else shows up, but it isn’t until Quinn steps into the pool area do the gaggle of women start calling out his name. Jealousy fills me, even when it shouldn’t. Quinn’s one of my best friends and does nothing to warrant envy from me, but I can’t help it. I’m not smooth or a chick magnet like he is, and sometimes I wish I were.
My phone rings, causing me to let go of the curtain. The caller ID says “Rolf Jacobs.” Do I answer or do I go back to fantasizing about being downstairs. My conscience gets the better of me. “Hello?”
“Mr. Miller, this is Professor Jacobs. Am I catching you at a bad time?”
“No, sir, just reviewing my notes for the upcoming final.” I might as well earn some brownie points while I can.
“I’ve always admired your work ethic, Ben, which is why I put your name in the hat for the internship. Which also brings me to why I’m calling.”