This question gets me finally drilling down through the numbness to my vulnerable parts. I nod, choking down the sobs begging to escape. “I feel so dumb.”
The dam breaks loose. And it has nothing to do with him cheating on me. It’s the way he wrote me out of his life. That stings like a bitch. A real hardcore angry bitch.
“Baby.” She clutches me to her. “You’re not dumb. He’s dumb and a great big douchenozzle flaming asshole.”
This makes me chuckle.
“Honey.” The door bursts open and we both glance up to see Dad in the doorway. He tilts back his John Deere ball cap and scrubs a hand over his salt and pepper hair. He remains silent for a few beats before talking.
“Er—is everything okay?”
“Perfect.” Mom wipes her final tears away. “Just perfect. Our baby girl is home and I broke her cellphone.”
“Okay,” Dad draws out.
“Oh, and you’re buying her a new one in the morning.” Mom rambles on about the purchase of a new cell phone and everything they need to do for Corn Days tomorrow.
“Dad,” I interrupt her. “Close the door and come here.”
I pat the bed beside me. Once he settles on my opposite side, I lean on his shoulder like I’ve done so many times in my life. I take a moment to inhale everything about this moment. He doesn’t say a word giving me the time I need.
I grab his hand and just let it out. “I’m pregnant.”
Silence. And more silence. I’m pretty sure he quit breathing. I watch his free hand flex until his knuckles grow white.
“Dad,” I whisper. “Say something.”
He doesn’t. My heart that I thought couldn’t take anymore begins to shatter.
“Braxton, the guy you met last time you visited, is the dad.” I gulp when a sob bursts free. “I’m so sorry, Dad. I’m so sorry.”
I bury my face in his chest, soaking his t-shirt with my tears. I can’t hear anything over the sound of my own cries and shattering future. I’m not sure when it happens, but it does. His strong, steady palm covers the side of my face as he begins rocking me back and forth. It means more than anything he could say. I relax into him, letting it all go.
I had no idea how much it was hurting me to keep this secret from him. It has ruined me, making me second guess everything about myself. Now that it’s gone, I feel free, broken, put together, and exhausted.
“I’m sorry, Dad,” I repeat again.
He doesn’t stop rocking or holding me. “No need to be sorry, Annie. No need.”
Mom rubs my back while Dad continues.
“I’ve told you a thousand times that I’d love you no matter what and this doesn’t change a damn thing. I’ve got you and always will.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “I can’t look at you. I don’t want to see the disappointment.”
“Nonsense.”
Before I know it he has me pried away from his chest and clutching my cheeks. He waits until I open my eyes.
“Does this look like disappointment to you?” he asks.
It’s the furthest thing from disappointment. He has tears of his own welling up in his eyes, but it’s the smile on his face that tells another story.
“It has been eating me alive the last few days because I knew something was off with you. Scared the shit out of me. I thought the worst.”
“The worst?” I ask, wiggling my nose so he’d loosen his grip on my cheeks.
“Yeah, you know, drugs, crime, online betting. Hell, I nearly drove myself crazy.”