“It just feels so…”
Melanie nodded. “I understand. So if you would rather I not share Talon’s sessions and feelings with you, we can go that route. Either way, I’m here for you, Jonah, just as much as I am for your brother. I can also recommend another therapist, if you’d rather deal with someone who doesn’t know Talon’s history. I have several colleagues, both male and female, who are excellent and who I think could help you.”
I shook my head. “No, then I’d just have to explain the whole story to them. You already know it, so we don’t have to go there. But yeah, I would rather not discuss Talon. I mean, at least not his sessions with you. That seems too private to me. But we can discuss Talon from my perspective. His situation is why I’m here, after all.”
“I completely understand. So tell me, how did you find yourself in that situation? In a dark alley, getting beaten?”
Embarrassment flooded through me. The last thing I wanted was for Melanie to think I couldn’t take care of myself when I encountered a couple of thugs. Of course I could. I could’ve sent both of them into tomorrow. God knew I had before when someone else was at stake.
Just not me.
Thing was, I knew exactly what I’d been doing. I was punishing myself. Seemed the only way to get rid of the guilt was to inflict so much physical pain on myself that I could no longer feel the emotional pain. I didn’t need Melanie or any other therapist to tell me that. Sounded pretty textbook to me.
“Do you want to talk about something else?”
“No, this is what I came here for. I hope you don’t think I can’t handle myself.”
“Of course I don’t think that. Even if I did, I’m not here to judge you, Jonah. I’m here to help you.”
Knife in the gut. She didn’t think I could handle myself. Well, I’d have to take care of that. I just wasn’t sure how to at the moment.
“Do you want to tell me how you got into that situation? Or like I said, we can talk about something else.”
Something else. If only…
“It’s the guilt, Melanie. It’s eating me alive.”
She nodded, her countenance grave. And something else laced her eyes.
Pity.
I didn’t want pity in any form. I didn’t deserve anyone’s pity. Nothing bad had happened to me, at least nothing I hadn’t walked into myself. Not like what had happened to Talon.
“Please. Don’t look at me that way.”
She widened her eyes. “What way do you mean?”
“With sympathy. I don’t deserve it.”
“I think you may have misread my facial expression. I’m only feeling concerned.”
Right. I didn’t believe her for a minute.
“But let’s attack this from a different angle,” she said. “How are you feeling? Physically? You took a pretty bad beating, but you look great today. There’s certainly no indication on your face that anything happened.”
Of course there wasn’t. I always protected my face.
“I feel okay. Still a little achy where my ribs were broken.” I’d taken some nasty boots to the back as well, but luckily they hadn’t done any lasting internal damage.
“Well, that’s good news.”
Silence reigned for what seemed like an hour. She didn’t seem to know what to say to me, and I sure as hell didn’t know what to say to her. Finally, I stood.
“I think this might’ve been a mistake. I’m not certain I’m ready for therapy. I’m not sure I need it.”
“All right, but feel free to change your mind,” she said. “My office is open to you anytime if you ever want to come back.”
She moved toward me, and electricity surged through my veins.