Seychelle indicated the chairs by the stone fireplace that went from the floor to the ceiling. The glass wall gave them an incredible view of the ocean. She really did love the house. And her ring. Everything Savage gave her seemed to have been chosen so it would fit for her.
“Do you make the jewelry with Ice?”
“I draw pieces sometimes, but he really does the work. He’s amazing. I paint. That’s always been my big dream, and Ice is really encouraging me to pursue it. Until he came along, I’d never had a family, and I was very lonely. Now the club is my family and Ice is my everything.”
Soleil looked in the direction Ice had disappeared. She lowered her voice. “I still can’t believe it’s true sometimes. I can’t believe he loves me. I never had that growing up, and I keep expecting him to throw me away, but he doesn’t. He wouldn’t be too happy hearing I still get doubts about us.”
Seychelle sank back in the chair, grateful for the soothing properties Savage had told her Lana somehow put into furniture she chose for them. “Isn’t it funny how we all have insecurities? I look at you and think you’re so beautiful. Ice thinks you’re incredibly talented. Savage told me you’re sweet and kind. But somehow you expect to be thrown away because you’re conditioned to think that.”
“What is your insecurity, Seychelle?” Soleil asked softly.
Seychelle regarded her in silence for a long time, but Soleil didn’t push. Outside, the waves rushed toward the bluff and crashed against them, spraying white foam and mist high into the air. She felt a little like that water, worn out and tossed into the sky to fly apart.
“That I’ll fail him. And I’ll fail myself.” She looked at Soleil, shocked that she’d told a perfect stranger something she hadn’t even told herself. “I think about running away all the time. There are so many reasons for running.”
Soleil nodded. “I know that feeling. I was going to run. I was so afraid he was going to break my heart. I just couldn’t let that happen. The silly thing was, if I left, my heart would break anyway. I love Ice. I know that I love him. I just couldn’t convince myself that he could really love me.”
“No one stays, Soleil. They don’t. No matter what you do or how hard you try, what you give of yourself, they die. They get sick and die. Or they do really dangerous things and die. Or they leave.” She pushed back her hair and tried a smile. “I don’t even know what I’m saying or thinking anymore. I don’t know where this is coming from. I’ve been out of sorts lately, and I can’t seem to get back on track. It didn’t help that a madman was out at my house with a gun today to kill me, and Savage and the others just went right in as if it was nothing.” She apparently was upset about a lot of things. It was lucky she hadn’t blurted out she liked to have her sex with pain and pleasure mixed together and had no idea why. She was very confused.
Soleil nodded. “I get what you’re saying. When I was young, the only aunt I had who wanted me died. Then my life was pretty awful. The only constant I had was a lawyer who I didn’t really see in person, but I still loved him because he was the only person who seemed to care. He was murdered. So yeah, I get that. And when Ice goes off with the club to do something dark and mysterious I’m not allowed to know about, I sit on our upstairs bedroom balcony in this rocking chair I have, and I wait for him there. Sometimes he’s gone for days. I can’t eat or sleep. I just sit there. The only time I get up is to use the bathroom. I feel sick and afraid and alone. It’s like living in hell. I can’t paint. I can barely breathe.”
Seychelle drew in a deep breath and sat up straight, her fingers closing in a tight fist, pressing over her thudding heart. “He doesn’t know you do that, does he?”
Soleil shook her head. “I would never tell him. What would be the use? He can’t change who he is or what he does. He’s Torpedo Ink, and I love him, so I love Torpedo Ink. He’s worth those terrible days that I have to wait in fear. It took me time to come to terms with that. Those fears are real because I know I could lose him. The fears I manufacture are silly, and I work to overcome them all the time.”
“Savage does dangerous things all the time and he won’t talk about them to me.” Seychelle couldn’t tell Soleil that she sometimes caught glimpses of things she wasn’t meant to see. If Savage ever did those things and came near her too soon, she would see everything, just as she had when he’d been with Shari.