I shook my head. I couldn’t. I didn’t even know myself. “Guys . . . please . . .”
“You need to pick.” Corrigan stepped forward. “It’s not fair to us. You know that.”
“No.”
Bryce cast Corrigan a look. “I think we can wait, at least during this time. I know I won’t be able to go anywhere anyway.”
Corrigan turned back to him. “Are you serious? You’re okay with just waiting and not knowing?”
“What’s the alternative?” Bryce gestured to me. “She doesn’t know. Look at her. You can see the panic in her eyes.”
I frowned. He was right.
He continued, “She needs both of us, Cor. If she picks me, would you really stick around? I would, but damn, it would hurt. This isn’t about us anyway. It’s about what Sheldon needs.”
Corrigan bit out, “Easy for you to say. You’re the one she’ll probably be screwing while she sneaks into my bed to be held.” A nerve on the side of his jaw clenched outward. “I don’t know about you, but that’s a different torture all on its own.”
“You’d rather have her pick? During this time? She’ll feel cut off from the other one, and I’m sorry, but if she’s found guilty, this might be our last time to spend with her. I don’t want it defined and not be able to hold her.”
My eyes got big. A new surge of panic drenched my insides with ice water. “Guilty?”
He swiftly turned to me. “I didn’t mean that, but.” He paused, looking down at the ground. “Someone set you up, Sheldon. What if we can’t find out who did that? What then? I’m just . . . if you pick Corrigan, I can’t spend this time with you and not be able to hold you.” An anguished tone came to him. “Maybe that’s me being selfish, but I can’t do that. Even if you pick Corrigan, I still won’t be able to stay away.”
He held my gaze. Even though a few feet separated us, I felt like I was in the palm of his hand. He was holding me, stroking me, making me feel safe. Making me feel loved. My chest tightened. Then it exploded inside me. I loved Bryce. I never stopped, but it had been shoved down and numbed. With that, memories of our past came at me, and I was right back there on the day Marcus was in my home. I closed my eyes, but images of Corrigan stabbed and bleeding on the floor wouldn’t go away. That sickening feeling. Fearing for his life, wondering if my best friend was going to die, knowing the guy responsible was still in my home, and he was going to get away.
I wanted to hunt him down, like he had hunted me down. The need for revenge, to take his life, had overwhelmed me. Bryce, too. He turned the tape off when I found Marcus and provoked him. It looked like self-defense, but the truth was, that I had killed him.
Oh god. I didn’t want to remember that day, what we had done, what I had done. I turned away.
“Sheldon.” Bryce started for me.
I shot a hand up, stopping him. “Don’t. Please. Don’t.”
My shoulders lifted up and down, as I tried not to dry-heave. We killed him. Together. I’d been trying to forget that day for years, but I couldn’t. I loved Bryce, but I couldn’t forget what we had done, and the two were intertwined. That’s why I put so much distance between us. If loving Bryce meant remembering that day, I had chosen to forget one if it meant forgetting the other, but my god, I couldn’t forget how much I loved Bryce. It had never gone away, and just now, just this look from him, had unlocked the box again.
I took gasping breaths, trying to get ahold of myself and the storm that had been unleashed inside me. As I did, I glanced up. They were both waiting. Differing levels of concern were on their faces, but they had no idea what I was enduring.
“Please,” I rasped out. “I want to forget.” Marcus’ death.
They nodded, thinking I was asking to forget about Grace.
I didn’t clarify that. I didn’t want to.
Corrigan went to grab some blankets as Bryce got some alcohol. Both of them went to the middle couch and waited for me. I settled down, and they sat on either side of me. I was stiff at first, wave after wave of blind terror was crashing down on me, but then Bryce pulled one of my legs over his lap and he started rubbing my thigh. It wasn’t in a sexual manner, but a comforting one. He was trying to reassure me, and after a moment, it started to work. Some of my tension smoothed out. Then I felt Corrigan lift his arm, and he pulled my head into the crook of his shoulder, underneath his arm. I closed my eyes, feeling both of them there, both of them trying to take care of me.
It was true. I needed both of them. I loved them both, but I couldn’t think about choosing. They were both my best friends, and that’s what I needed most in that moment.
*
“Sheldon.”
I grew aware of Corrigan saying my name. His shoulder nudged my head gently. He said, “Hey.”
Bryce spoke over me, “She needs to sleep.”
I’d fallen asleep, and as they kept talking, a lull was settling back over me. It was like a large blanket, enfolding all around me, making me feel warm and peaceful. I was falling back asleep, but I heard Corrigan murmur, “I know. You want to carry her?”
“You’re still hurting from the accident?” As Bryce asked that, I felt myself lifted in the air. I was pulled tightly against a warm chest, a very solid, warm chest, and I could hear his heart under my head.