‘Yes, you were. For all the right reasons, though.’
‘I know that Nadine’s well cared for...’ He swung his chair around to face her, and Nell saw that his face was full of anguish.
‘But you can’t help feeling that this is all your fault. For not being here.’
‘I know it doesn’t make much sense.’
‘What happened, Hugo? When you were taken ill?’
‘You know what happened. It’s all in my notes.’
‘I want to hear it from you.’
He frowned. ‘You’re psychoanalysing me?’
‘No, I’m off duty, on account of an impending engagement.’
‘Same as me, then. On account of not following my own advice.’
‘So what happened?’
Hugo sighed. ‘I knew my heart rate was lower than it should have been. And when I was in bed at night, I could...feel an irregular beat. I thought it might just be stress or overwork.’
‘But it wasn’t.’
‘No. Surprisingly enough, despite being not only a doctor but also a prince, I couldn’t just snap my fingers and tell myself to get better.’ His voice was laden with heavy irony.
‘And then you collapsed,’ Nell prompted him for the next part of the story.
‘Yes. Pretty much as detailed in my notes.’ He shot her an exasperated look. ‘Apparently my heart started beating again of its own accord, but when I was monitored overnight in the hospital, they found that it was beating too slowly and actually stopped every now and then.’
‘How long for?’
‘You know that, Nell. Up to three minutes. Which was almost enough to kill me if it wasn’t corrected.’
‘So they inserted a pacemaker. Which will help you live a completely normal life.’
‘I don’t feel normal, Nell.’ He shook his head. ‘It seems I’m not that good at coming to terms with my own flaws.’
‘A pacemaker isn’t a flaw, it’s what makes you well.’ So many pacemaker patients connected their device with the illness that had made it necessary. It was an obvious piece of logic, but it didn’t help much when it came to accepting that their heart now needed a little help in order to function properly.
‘I don’t feel well. My shoulder aches still, I run into a brick wall whenever I try to do more than take life at a snail’s pace... I can’t even be at work, Nell. You see my desk? They’ve cleared it and given my cases to other doctors.’
‘So you got sick. And you need a bit of time to get better. You’re not superhuman and you’re not perfect. Welcome to the world, Hugo. It’s a place where pink marshmallow hospitals get built for little girls because only an imperfect world has the imagination to create that.’
Nell stopped, a little breathless. She wondered whether she might be accused of bullying a sick man, in a hospital of all places. You could probably get struck off for that kind of thing.
‘You’re sure about that?’ He was looking at her solemnly.
‘Yes, I’m sure. We’re going to get the money you need.’ Somehow, somewhere Nell had found a commitment to that.
He felt in his pocket, bringing out the ring. With everything else that had been going on, Nell had forgotten about it, and she was glad he hadn’t lost it. She held her right hand out and he slipped it onto her finger.
‘I feel... Sometimes I can’t help listening to my heart, just to see if it’s still beating. I’m not sure it’s even possible, but I’d swear I feel the pacemaker kick in at times. It’s as if my body isn’t quite my own any more.’
He’d found a place where he could voice how he felt. There was still a journey ahead, but he’d found the starting point. ‘That must be really hard for you. But in time, I promise you’ll forget you even have it.’
Hugo nodded, slowly. ‘I’m being an idiot, aren’t I?’