She was lying, and Ross’s sceptical glance told her that he was fully aware of that. Of course she wanted to know more, but pushing him wasn’t going to help. He started to walk again, and she fell into step beside him. If he didn’t want to talk, she should respect that. She’d fought hard enough to keep her own secrets. Just accept the afternoon for what it was and let him be.
* * *
He should let it go. Laurie didn’t need to know about this, but he still wanted to tell her.
‘I said that I was married. A long time ago...’
Laurie nodded.
‘Alice and I met when I was at medical school. We got married and came back here, and then decided to stay. It was going to be the full turn of the circle for me. The lonely kid, who grew up and filled his house with children.’
‘This seems like a good place to bring a family up.’
‘Yeah, it seemed that way to us. We waited and nothing happened. After we’d been trying for a year we went for tests. It turned out that there is a one in a thousand chance of my ever becoming a father.’
She looked up at him, her eyes searching his face. Ross knew all the questions that were running through her mind, Laurie was a doctor, but she wasn’t asking any of them.
‘So I know you’re wondering.’ He turned the corners of his mouth down.
‘Yes, I am. Sudden attack of tact.’
He couldn’t help smiling, if only for a moment. ‘There’s nothing that medical science can do about it. I have a low sperm count that isn’t linked to any other underlying conditions, it just means that I can’t conceive a child.’
‘And you were told a one in a thousand chance.’ Laurie narrowed her eyes.
‘Yeah. I explained to Alice that it’s difficult for doctors to speak in certainties, and that one in a thousand was medical speak for not going to happen, but neither of us could stop thinking about that one chance. Each time it didn’t happen, the disappointment got worse, but neither of us could bring ourselves to say ‘never’. We tried IVF and that didn’t work either. In the end she began to blame me for the loss that she felt. I guess that was fair enough, because it was my fault.’
‘Your fault?’ She was suddenly animated, and the fire in her eyes warmed him. ‘I can’t begin to understand what it might be like to be in that situation, but I do know that there’s a difference between being the cause and being the culprit.’
‘That’s pretty hard to see when you’re in the middle of it all.’ He should give Alice the benefit of the doubt.
‘I don’t care if it’s hard. It’s the truth.’
He’d always known that Laurie spoke her mind, but Ross hadn’t felt the full force of that before. It buoyed him up, relieving him of a little of the guilt that he felt.
‘Sorry. That’s just...what I think.’
‘Don’t be. I think it’s what I needed to hear. Alice blamed me, and I just agreed with her.’
Laurie frowned. ‘This is probably the wrong thing to ask, but...’
The weight lifted a little more. People generally didn’t know what to say in the face of this kind of thing and so they backed off. Laurie was still there with him, and that was a precious thing.
‘Ask it anyway.’
‘Not everyone plans to have children.’
‘May I ask you a personal question?’
Some of the tension left her brow. ‘I really wish you would. At least I’ll know what to say.’
The things left unsaid were the things that hurt the most. This was suddenly so very easy.
‘What about you? Do you want children?’
Laurie gave the question some thought. ‘My experience of families isn’t one I’m keen to repeat, and if you’d asked me that a year ago I’d have said that I fought hard enough for my freedom and I’m not giving it up now. I still can’t see it but...’
‘But?’