‘Because I’m fine.’
He raised an eyebrow. ‘Says the woman hiding behind the man she’s fake agreed to marry.’
Lara rolled her eyes. ‘Family therapy would be worse. They wanted him to be there. They think I need to have it out with him.’
‘And do you think that maybe they have a point?’
‘I’d rather stick swords in my eyes.’
Someone cleared their throat behind Jannes and she felt ice-cold in her chest.
Jannes made eye contact with her. She knew that if she needed him to, he would stand in front of her, blocking her from view and protecting her in their corner of the bar, even while her dad stood there watching them. But she wouldn’t make him ridiculous for her sake. This was her own fault for letting herself get distracted and not seeing him approaching. For forgetting that avoiding her father should have been her number one priority.
‘Yes, it’s okay,’ she said, moving him gently aside with a hand on his chest. ‘What do you want?’ she said to her father in a low voice, making her face neutral and blank. The only thing worse than having to see him would be showing him how much it hurt. She wouldn’t let him think that he mattered.
‘Hello, Lara. I’ve missed you so much. Do you think we could go somewhere and...?’
‘And what?’ she demanded, anger welling up inside her from she didn’t know where. ‘I don’t want to talk to you. I want nothing to do with you.’
‘Lara, please, can we just...?’
‘No!’ she said, and realised too late that she was shouting and didn’t seem able to stop. ‘You “just”—just listen to me. I don’t want you in my life. Why won’t you respect my decision?’
‘I’m getting married,’ her father said, and she felt something hollow out inside her. Another family. Another try at having a family. She could be replaced, again, just like that. ‘I really want you to be there,’ he said. ‘Or just back in my life, however you want.’
‘I’m not interested,’ Lara spat, her anger burning hot and white in her chest. ‘I pity your fiancée!’
‘Lara, please,’ he said, his face reddening, a prickle of sweat at his hairline as he glanced over his shoulder at the room. ‘I’m your father.’
‘No! You’re not!’ She could feel her control slipping even further, could feel the walls closing in on her and the friendly hum of conversation in the bar became an oppressive buzz in her ears. ‘Jannes, let’s go.’
* * *
She slotted her fingers through his and stalked from the bar, studiously ignoring the stares of her assorted family as she did so. Let them look—she was hardly the one at fault here. That honour went to the feckless excuse for a father that she was currently walking away from. She dragged Jannes away from the front of the hotel, across the car park and through a gate beside the church that led to a small area of woodland.
‘Lara? What’s going on? Are we digging a g—? Oh.’
He stopping speaking as Lara smashed her mouth against his, sliding her hands into his back pockets and dragging him closer. She turned them both, pulling until her back was against a tree, the rough bark biting into her skin between her shoulder blades. But with a gentle hand on her cheek, Jannes eased himself away, looking down at her, panting and flushed.
‘Not that this isn’t...you know,’ he said, a little breathless, pulling her closer by the hips for a second. ‘But I’m not sure that being angry at your dad is a good reason to do this.’
‘Can’t you just shut up and kiss me? It’s a lot easier to not think about it when we’re doing that.’
Jannes groaned. ‘And while it’s extremely flattering that you’re using me that way, I’m not sure I want to be your human stress ball.’
She leaned away from him, her hands still wedged in his back pockets. ‘You’re turning me down.’
‘I’m not turning you down,’ he said, through a jaw so tight she was surprised he could get the words out. ‘You don’t really want me. You’re just working out your issues on me and I think things are complicated enough.’
‘None of which would matter if you actually wanted me,’ she insisted. Of all the times to turn her down... Normally, she could take it. But now she just needed him to need her as much as she did him. She needed what they had not to be a lie. She needed to not be her father, with a web of complicated relationships confusing the people around her. She loved Jannes, and she needed him to love her back.
‘This isn’t about wanting,’ Jannes said, maddeningly calm in the face of her panic. ‘I don’t know how you could possibly believe that I don’t want you after the last couple of months. This is about us making good choices, for good reasons. I don’t think you can know what you want while you’re mad at your dad.’
‘Well, screw you then, Jannes,’ she said, pushing him away. Because if she shoved hard enough, put enough distance between them, she could make herself believe that he couldn’t hurt her any more. That the fact that she loved him and he didn’t love her back didn’t flay her and leave her raw. Her hands came up and she clenched them in front of her chest. Jannes took half a step back and then pulled her to him, her forehead against his chest and her shoulders shaking as he wrapped his arms around them.
‘Jannes, no, you can’t. You can’t make this better. I’m... I’m broken. There’s something wrong with me, and as much as I want you—us—to fix it, it isn’t going to happen. You should get away from me. I’m going to hurt you if you do this.’
‘You’re angry. As you have every right to be,’ Jannes said, letting his arms fall away as she pulled her shoulders back and sucked in a long breath, her arms crossing back over her body. Her gaze darted past him, back towards the churchyard and the car park. ‘But I don’t think you’re angry at me, and I don’t think this is the time to be changing what we are to one another.’