‘Then you have to trust me to know myself. I always leave. I don’t know how to stay. Maybe if I wanted to change...’
She frowned at him. ‘Don’t you want to?’
‘No. I’m sorry,’ he added, and she knew her face must have fallen. ‘Maybe I should, but it doesn’t matter because I’ve tried before and I can’t do it. It’s just what happens—the minute I get too close to someone, the way I feel about them changes, and I just have to get away. I won’t do that to you.’
Lara shook her head. ‘I’m not asking you to. I just wonder if it’s what you want.’
‘Of course I don’t want to be this broken, but that’s beside the point.’
‘Okay, well, I wasn’t suggesting you should change, Jan. I just want you to be happy.’
‘I am happy.’
‘Fine.’
‘Fine.’
They glared at each other for a moment, and then Jannes turned away, and she felt something fragile between them tear away. The fireworks of the night before suddenly felt like a distant memory.
‘I have some emails I need to send before this meeting,’ he said, standing and clearing the table. ‘If you’d rather go straight back to London, I’d understand.’
‘Jannes, no. You asked for my help. Of course I’ll still come.’
He sighed, a long, sad sound. ‘See? I’m doing it already. I’m messing things up in the process of trying to not mess things up.’
Lara fought for composure. ‘Nothing’s messed up, Jannes. We’re a little awkward but we’ll be fine. If I race off now, we’ll only be saving up the awkwardness for the next time.’
‘I’m sorry, Lara.’ She thought for a moment that he was going to reach for her, but then that tension in his arms and his shoulders was gone, and they were further apart than ever.
‘Don’t be sorry. You seem to think you’re denying me something that I want. You’re not. You know that.’
‘I do. But I still feel terrible.’
‘I know. Me too.’
* * *
Jannes ordered them both coffee and glanced at his watch. Should he be worried that Spencer was ten minutes late? There was no point trying to second-guess it. Either he would sponsor him or he wouldn’t. It was probably already too late to change his mind either way.
‘Deep breaths,’ Lara said, brushing her hand across his shoulder as she passed him on the way back from the bathroom. ‘You’re nervous,’ she observed, sitting beside him and resting her arms on the table.
‘Hmm...’
She pushed coffee in his direction, but he wasn’t sure that more caffeine would help him feel more relaxed. Selfish though he knew it was, he just wanted her hand back on his shoulder. On any part of him, come to think of it. He’d woken up knowing that they had to set new boundaries after what had happened the night before. But that didn’t mean that he wanted to.
Spencer turned up before he had a chance to worry about it further, and shook his hand with so much enthusiasm that for the first time Jannes let himself get his hopes up.
‘Jannes, good to see you again. And Lara too. Congratulations, you sly pair! Why didn’t you mention anything yesterday?’
Jannes glanced from Spencer to Lara, wondering if he was meant to know what he was talking about. But Lara looked as confused as Jannes felt.
‘Erm, told you what, Spencer?’ he asked, hoping he wasn’t making a mistake that might cost him his sponsorship.
‘About the engagement! I saw the notice in The Times this morning. Well, I’m delighted for you both; that should go without saying.’
Jannes glanced across at Lara, who was hiding her shock well. Well enough that Jannes was sure that Spencer wouldn’t spot it, but Jannes knew Lara better, and could see the hardness around her mouth and the tension
in the usually fluid line of her shoulders.