‘Okay,’ she said at last. ‘We’ll keep things going a little longer. If you’re sure you wouldn’t rather be dating someone else for real.’
‘I’m sure,’ he told her, and she took comfort from the certainty in his voice.
‘And are you sure you don’t want to talk about that?’ she pushed him. ‘We’re friends, Jannes. I don’t like the thought that you’re missing out on meeting someone for real because you’re sitting through family parties with me.’
‘I... I wouldn’t be dating anyway,’ he told her.
She tried to keep her voice light, as if the idea of talking with Jannes about his love life wasn’t giving her butterflies. ‘Oh?’
He shrugged. ‘I haven’t dated for a while. You hadn’t noticed?’
Well, of course she’d noticed. She couldn’t help but notice that it had been over a year since she’d seen him with anyone else.
‘I noticed. Why is that, though? You can’t be short of offers.’
He picked up his chopsticks and dug them into his Pad Thai, not meeting her eyes. ‘I just didn’t see the point, after a while. I didn’t want—don’t want—anything serious, and after a while the casual thing gets repetitive, don’t you think?’
Yeah, it did, which was precisely why she’d stopped doing it too. But she knew it was more than that. That he was scared of getting hurt. Of having someone walk away from him the way his parents had done, over and over again. She couldn’t trust herself to never do that to him, never to hurt him, and that meant she had to hide what she really felt.
‘You’re not worried that I’m going to be getting in your way?’ Jannes asked, with the honesty that she loved him for.
She shrugged. ‘I’m not missing much. Not when I already know that it’s not going anywhere—not when I’ll freak out and leave as soon as the question of whether I can trust him comes up.’ In the end she’d realised that it was far simpler not to get into something, rather than walking in while simultaneously checking for a secure exit. She would have thought that Jannes would have understood that better than anyone. But they’d never actually talked about this before.
‘Why doesn’t it ever work out?’ he asked. ‘Why don’t you want it to?’
‘Because I can’t make it work,’ Lara said, her voice tightening slightly as she defended herself. She didn’t expect this from Jannes. More than anyone, he was supposed to understand. ‘Because, at the back of my mind, I’m always wondering if they’re going home to someone else every time I say goodbye. It’s just easier not to start something; isn’t that basically what you just told me about why you don’t date?’
‘I don’t know; it just seems...sadder when we’re talking about you.’
‘Ouch,’ she said, leaning away from him.
‘No—’ he dropped his chopsticks and reached for her hand ‘—I don’t mean that you’re sad. I just don’t like the idea that you’ve given up because you haven’t found a guy who you know will treat you like you deserve. You’re amazing and any guy should feel incredibly lucky to have you.’
She rolled her eyes at him. ‘You’re patronising me.’ After all, it wasn’t as if he was pushing for the chance to be with her for real. He was quite clear that faking it was all that was ever going to be on offer from him. Which was fine. Obviously.
‘I’m sorry. That wasn’t my intention,’ he apologised, and then hesitated. ‘This is all to do with your dad, right?’ he asked.
It was as if he had thrown cold water over her, killing the conversation dead. ‘Jannes. I really don’t want to talk about my father with you. I’m happy fake dating and so are you. I won’t grill you on your reasons; you don’t grill me on mine. I thought that was the deal?’
‘Okay, fine,’ Jannes said at last. ‘But if it’s not working for you, you have to tell me and we just undo the whole arrangement. Okay?’
‘Fine.’
She picked up her chopsticks, heaped more Pad Thai on her plate, and then chewed on a dumpling thoughtfully and sank back into the sofa cushions. ‘So what do we do next?’ she asked, trying to steer the conversation onto safer ground. ‘Should we compare diaries? I’ve already had invitations for some of the family stuff you agreed to at Pip’s wedding. It’s only a month until the twins’ christening.’
‘Fine, yes, I suppose we should. I’ll forward you details of a few things. The regatta in Harbourside is happening in a couple of weeks. I’ll be there meeting with potential sponsors—it would be good if you could be there, help the image, you know, if you’re there doing the girlfriend thing. And I think you’ll enjoy it.’
She nodded. ‘Okay. Regatta in a couple of weeks.’
‘And of course I have a spare room at my place there so we don’t have to repeat the only one bed incident.’
‘I didn’t realise it had been so traumatic for you,’ she said with an exaggerated head-tilt. ‘Poor little flower.’
He shoved her playfully with his foot. ‘It wasn’t traumatic; it just complicates things, doesn’t it?’
CHAPTER NINE
LARA PUT ON a wide-brimmed sunhat as she stepped out of her car. With the air-con on all the way down from London, she hadn’t realised how hot the day had become.