I told her, “Alex and Gia make me laugh. They were even talking about going to the same pre-school. There are only a few months between them.”
She put her head back as I started to drive. “The irony of us having kids with different partners so close in age.”
“Tell me about it.”
I knew what she wanted to know and I told her before she even asked. “I don’t even really know who Gia’s mom is.” I glanced over at her, and her eyes were watching me waiting for me to tell her the story. “I kind of had bad spells. I would come out of a game. Celebrate carelessly at times. I should be thankful that only a baby came out of my carelessness and nothing else.”
Nia sighed, “I suppose.”
“Don’t get me wrong; there weren’t plenty of women. I had the odd one night stand whenever I felt lonely, so I tried dating, but then there was always something missing. The chemistry that we had, no one could replace. I felt as if I was looking for love in all the wrong places.”
“Now, you sound like a song.”
It did sound a bit cheesy, but I was honest. That was exactly what happened, I put everything into the game after we broke up and after I had found out that she was married, I decided that I was wasting my time thinking about her when she clearly didn’t give a damn about me. She kissed me and as good as bid me farewell in a heartbeat.
“I got married because I needed to felt secure being with someone on my level."
Her eyes darted to me, and I could only conclude that she meant someone that wasn't rich.
"Ed just happened to be at the right place at the time. Or so I thought.”
I hated having this type of conversation in the car. I couldn’t figure out what she was thinking as she spoke.
“We both worked at the call center. Dated for a short while and he said all the right things, but it was clear that he didn’t want a family. As soon as we got married and rented a place, he didn’t hesitate in cheating on me. Silly me thought that maybe getting pregnant would make him see things differently.”
“Did it?”
“No, he left as soon as I told him that I was pregnant. Said to me that it was too much responsibility. I could see the signs, but I thought that I was getting old and didn't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I wanted to settle down, and he was by my side. We both came from single-parent families, and so we matched.”
I couldn’t get my head around that kind of philosophy, as I parked the car in my drive, I asked, “So, because you had the same parental upbringing, you thought hat was why you were more compatible?”
She shrugged and frowned at the same time.
“Not exactly, but when you don’t feel like the poorest person in the room when you go to barbecues or family parties, then it’s just easier that way.”
“For who?”
“It was for me. I used to feel so damn uncomfortable in your house. It was unreal.”
“But we never made you feel that way.”
She shook her head, “No, you didn’t need to make me feel that way. We would be invited to weddings, and the only thing going through my mind was how the hell would I be able to afford a dress to go to it.”
“I knew it, and I bought you dresses every time. It was never a problem for you.”
“But it’s the way that it made me feel.” She was getting upset and this conversation was getting us nowhere and brought uncomfortable memories of back then.
“And now, do you still feel that way?”
She hesitated in replying, and I answered for her.
“I can’t excuse or pretend to be upset that I have money. Sure, I can afford expensive holidays and clothes. But, I never have tried to or meant to make you feel that you don’t belong with me. Because in my mind it’s what here that counts,” I said as I put my hand on my heart.
“I know that now. But back then we were young, and I had all types of insecurities.”
I thought about her being tired, and I turned to get out of the car. Nia had lied to me back then, and I knew that she was lying right now. She was acting as if it wasn’t still an issue now. Her husband who walked out on her the moment she was pregnant. Even though they were married. The idea of it was crazy, and I felt guilty about not being there for her when she needed me.
She needed me now and as we walked through the back of the house, to the table that I had set up for her.