I lean back so I can rest on my palms and laugh at him. Because laughing at your best friend must be done in a relaxed pose. “So what did you do next?”
“Why do you care so much?” he asks, exasperation dripping from his words.
“Just curious.” I wait a beat. “Please tell me you didn’t try to go in there.”
“No, I did not try to go in the bathroom with her, you dummy.” He mimes tossing a softball underhanded. “I cracked the door and threw them toward the sound of her voice and told her there were instructions inside the package.”
Oh no! “You told her there were instructions inside the package…”
“Yes.” If looks could kill, I’d be dead on the ground. Or at least mortally wounded.
“So she had to figure it out on her own.” I nod. “I see.”
“Don’t start with me, Bess,” he warns. “It was a hard weekend.”
“I didn’t start anything.” I draw air quotes around the word start. “Your daughter did. She started her period and you did nothing to help.”
“She didn’t want me to help her!” Miles flinches, so he calms himself down by closing his eyes and taking a deep breath through his nose. “You know what, fuck you, Bess.” He huffs out that breath he spent
so long sucking in.
“Okay,” I say. I take Miles from him and prop him up in my lap. “Here’s what you’re going to do.” I point my finger at him when he opens his mouth to protest, and he snaps it shut. “You’re going to run to the store on the corner, and you’re going to get three things.”
“I told you I already bought the supplies—”
“Would you shut up?” I wait for him to settle, like a first-grade teacher might. “You’re going to run to the store on the corner and get three things. One: get a heating pad. Two: get an over the counter pain reliever. And three: get a bar of chocolate.”
He scratches his head. “Why does she need a bar of chocolate?”
“And get some teen-size supplies.” I draw air quotes around that word too.
“Wait. They come in sizes?”
I fight not to roll my eyes. “They come in sizes. Get the low flow.”
“Low flow?” He suddenly looks like he’s going to puke.
Eli steps out onto the porch. “Why is Sam locked in the bathroom?” he asks.
“Oh, jeez.” I stand up and take Miles with me. “I’ll keep this one.” I jerk my thumb toward the house. “And those other two kids you created, I’ll watch them too. You take Eli with you. Two brains are better than one. Particularly when both are male and both of them are shopping for feminine hygiene products.”
“Where are we going?” Eli asks. He looks from me to Aaron and back again.
“To buy chocolate bars,” Aaron says, his voice droll and lifeless.
Eli still looks confused. “Why are we going to get chocolate bars?”
“Because I’m about to start my period and I want a chocolate bar.” I glare at both of them, but it’s all I can do not to laugh because Aaron suddenly looks horrified.
“Oh, okay,” Eli chirps. “You ready?” He pats his pockets looking for his keys. When he finds them, he walks toward the car.
“Do we really need to get chocolate bars, or are you fucking with me?” Aaron asks.
“Trust me, Aaron. Women do not fuck around about periods or chocolate bars.” I stare hard at him, and if I had laser beams in my eyes, he’d be dead right now. Or at least seriously wounded. Well, it was his turn.
I let myself into the house and walk toward the bathroom, where I can hear the sound of water running in the sink. I knock softly on the door.
“Go away, Dad!” Sam yells.