My belly takes a dive down toward my toes and my head starts to spin all at once. I wave my hand in front of my face. “It’s getting hot in here.”
“Feet to the fire, Katie. Do you want me or not?”
“I want you, Jake,” I tell him. I lay my palm on his cheek. “I do. I’m just afraid.”
“I know. I’ll help you through it if you’ll let me.”
I nod and sit back. Hank starts to squirm in his seat, and Jake unbuckles him, taking him out of the car seat. It’s hot out, so he’s only wearing a onesie and his diaper. He stretches his skinny little body as he wakes up.
“You might want to feed him before our food comes.”
I didn’t think this through very well, because this dress is not made for nursing. I look around. “I should probably go to the bathroom or something.”
Jake grabs the spaghetti strap on my shoulder and tugs until the bow comes loose. This dress has a built-in bra, so I’d stuffed it full of leak pads and called it done. Jake hands me a lightweight blanket from the car seat and I toss it over my shoulder, and then I adjust all my parts and Henry latches on. I flush when I realize that Jake can hear him drinking greedily.
“Not very sexy, huh?” I say. I want to bury my face in my hands. But Jake lifts the blanket off my shoulder and looks down at where Hank is suckling.
“Sexiest thing I’ve ever seen,” Jake breathes.
The dark edge of my areola is visible around Hank’s mouth. Jake kisses my naked shoulder and then drops down low and presses a soft kiss against my breast, right above where Hank is latched on. My belly flips again. He comes up quick and presses his lips against mine. “I want you to be mine.”
I nod and clear my throat. “I want that too, but…”
He stares hard at me. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m a package deal, Jake.”
“I know.” He wipes away the tear that slowly tracks down my cheek. He grins. “So, you want to be my girlfriend?”
I grin too, and wipe beneath my eyes with my free hand. “I’ll be your girlfriend.” My heart flips over in my chest, and for the first time since Jeff died, I feel hopeful that there is more to life than death and regret.
“And I’ll be your boyfriend,” Jake says to me.
The waitress brings our meal. “You guys are so cute together,” she says on a laugh. Then she disappears again.
“This is the best date ever,” I tell him.
He grins at me and helps me tie my straps back up when it’s time to switch sides, and I swear that I see him adjust himself when he sits back again.
“Breastfeeding is not sexy,” I remind him.
“No, but you sure as hell are.”
37
Katie
After dinner, Jake doesn’t head straight back home. He jerks the truck to the left, and takes a small detour down a dirt road.
“Oh my God, I remember this road,” I say. I cover my cheeks with my hands.
Jake grins. “I do too. It was the only time your parents let me take you out.”
“We were in your old muscle car. What was it? A Ford, right?”
“Not just any Ford,” he says over a snort. “A ’66 Mustang Fastback. Best car ever. I still have it.” He looks over at me and grabs my hand.
The truck bumps along the dirt drive until I see the lake in front of us. We’re really close to Jake’s dad’s property, but not quite on it. Jake lowers the windows and cuts the lights. The quiet night settles around us like a warm blanket, and the chirp of crickets almost overrides the quiet music playing from Jake’s speakers.