Jesus.
Fuck my life.
I’m shaking, my breaths coming in shallow pants. Panic closes in on me. My heart is hammering fit to burst through my chest.
“Nate…” Syd’s voice is choked.
“It’s not… getting better,” I manage, despair opening black maws, swallowing me. “Fuck this shit.”
“Fight it,” West says, fierce. “We’re here, Nate. With you.”
As if it’s that easy. But I try—for them. For me. I close my eyes and force myself to take a deep breath. I’m in control. I can do this. I won’t let myself fall apart over this shit from my past anymore.
What was that tip I read about getting out of the panic attack mind rut?
Picture your happy, safe place.
And my happy, safe place is right here, with these people.
So I reach out and find Syd’s slender fingers. She wraps them around mine, and West’s big hand closes gently around my forearm. Then I reach the other way and Kash takes my other hand, carefully, his palm rough and warm.
The roaring in my ears grows fainter as I take another deep breath.
“You’re with us, man,” West is saying. “You’re okay.”
“We got your back,” Kash says in his quiet, resonant voice.
Sydney squeezes my hand. “I love you, Nate.”
I open my eyes, my breath catching for a different reason. “Syd…”
She just leans forward, tugging on my hand until I’m close enough for her to kiss my jaw. “I love you. And I want you.”
Fuck, me too. There was never any doubt about that. But…
“We can take it slow,” she says.
Slow is good. That’s what sort of worked before, right? With West. And the memory of that kiss gets my softening dick hard once more. It worked, at least when I took charge. Is that the answer?
“Tell us what to do,” West says, right on cue, his blue gaze seeing right through me, like always. “You call the shots, man.”
“Yeah, you tell us,” Syd murmurs, lashes lowering, head tipping back to gaze at me. “I like that.”
And just like that the heat is back, in the air, under my skin, in my balls and dick. And it gets hotter when Syd leans in and puts her mouth on my neck, trailing her lips along my jaw. A gasp forces its way from my throat as her warm lips find my ear.
“Tell us,” she breathes, raising goosebumps. “We want you, Nate.”
I don’t know about the truth of that crazy statement, but I watch West tug her back against him, watch his hand dip between her legs, I hear her breathless exclamation.
And Kash chooses that moment to tighten his hold on my hand and put his mouth in the center of my palm. I jerk when his tongue traces the lines there.
The fuck? Never knew there was a direct line between my palm and my dick. I wonder what would happen if he sucked on my fingers… Shit.
“What I want, Syd…” I struggle for breath, “is to see you with West… and Kash.”
I’m leaking in my briefs now. This is fucking nuts. It’s watching live porn in the first row with the people you have the hots for.
The people you care for.