“I think I’ll use the dildo I bought after all. And to hell with saving myself for anyone. And I…” Her eyes fill with tears. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why I can’t be normal.”
“You’re normal.” I rush to my feet and draw her into my arms before she runs away. She looks like she wants to. “You’re great. Please don’t go.”
“But I…” She beats her small fists on my back. “I’m not good to you. Or Ryan. Whatever it is he wants. I was always so sure of what I should do. How I should do it. Nothing works! It’s like baking. No matter what I do, nothing ever comes out the way it’s supposed to. And I’m not supposed to want two men. Me! I plan everything in my life. This wasn’t in the plan.”
“You changed the plan. Like Ryan changed his schedule,” I say, my mind trying to absorb all this.
“Yes!” she wails on my shoulder. “Everything’s changing.”
“Maybe that’s not such a bad thing.”
She sniffles quietly. “You think?”
“When you’re unhappy, change can be good.” I turn my face to kiss her hair. “And as you decide what you need in your life, you change your goals. Your plans. That’s not a bad thing at all.”
; “Are you changing? Your plans?”
“I don’t have any plans,” I mutter. Apart from making it through the year sane. I don’t have many choices. I feel as if my life depends on the decisions of others.
But I don’t say that.
“I want you to be happy,” she whispers, and my heart clenches with something like pain. “I’d change my plans to make you happy.”
“You should only change your plans to make yourself happy,” I tell her, certain that’s the truth, and not sure why my eyes burn like that. “You should choose a guy who will give you what you need.”
She pulls back, studying my face. “And what do I need?”
Love.
I shake my head. “That’s for you to decide.”
“I should go.”
I don’t want her to go. Why can’t I promise I’m the one who can make her happy?
Why can’t I acknowledge I’m not?
“Hey.” I catch her hand before she walks away from me. “Here’s a little secret: I like you, too, Bry. You know that, right?”
She smiles. It’s faint but bright. So real. “Does that mean you’re going to the hospital event with me?”
There’s always a catch, isn’t there? “Sure thing.”
***
Leaning against a store front not far from home, I stand smoking and staring out at the snow-covered street and the passing cars.
I’ve just searched everywhere I could think of—again—for my brother. Called everyone I could think of, talked to people on the street, in the parks, even in hospitals and homeless centers. The cold is biting, numbing my face and hands.
I throw the stub of my cigarette to the melting snow, and light up another.
Dead end. End of the road. Impasse.
My chest is too tight. I’m not sure it’s wise to hold out hope for Xavier. No, I don’t think he’s dead, I sure as hell hope not, but he’s probably so far gone by now, so deep in addiction, I have no clue how to reach him. How to bring him back.
I don’t have any hope that he’ll come back and that things will return to how they were before.