Because this is so much more than I expected.
“Candy.” Emojis going crazy, drinking bottles of wine, dancing, weeping. “You there?”
“I screwed up,” I type, my eyes filling up again. Hot tears slip down my cheeks. “We had sex. Awesome sex. And then I let it slip that I’ve wanted them both for years. And then I ran.”
Quiet from the other side.
I wipe at my eyes angrily. Nobody died. Life goes on. Maybe I didn’t screw up that badly. Tomorrow I will drive by, talk to them.
“Candix, you have to tell them the truth,” Connie writes.
I shake my head although she can’t see me. “No way.”
“Are you with them now? As in a relationship?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, if you want to be, be honest, okay? I’m telling you this from experience. Never let lies sit between you. They fester.”
I sniffle. I can, since nobody is here to hear me. Also, I wipe my nose on the back of my hand.
Okay, that was gross.
“What should I do, Connie?”
“Tell them. Nothing to be ashamed of. They are handsome guys. So what if you’ve wanted them all along? Isn’t that a stroke to their ego? Why should they be upset? The sooner you tell them, the less upset they’re likely to be.”
God, she’s right. Now I just need to work up the nerve to do
it.
***
I toss and turn all night, unable to sleep. Thinking about them. How I’d rather be in their arms, pressed between their bodies, listening to them breathe.
It scares me, that I’ve grown so used to them already, so in need of them. They were two-dimensional figures to me before I really knew them. Pretty outlines, empty inside.
Everything has changed. Nothing’s clear anymore.
I wonder if it ever was.
As I stare at the ceiling, I wonder if Jethro is doing the same. Or if he’s drawing, or staring out the window at the lit-up city, thinking.
If Joel is dreaming of me. If he talked with Jethro, and what they said. What they decided. I hope they’re not too pissed off at me for running away not to talk to me tomorrow.
I only wish I had the words for what I have to say and knew how to steel my heart in case they decide they can’t trust me anymore.
But Connie is right. I have to come clean, tell them about my obsession with them.
Only they can never know about the blog. About the serial. A girl is allowed to have a secret, right? I’d die if they found out about it.
I’ve never been so stressed about the next morning since my first day in kindergarten, and let me tell you, that was bad.
So when Brylee finally comes home and sticks her head in my room, I all but jump on her and wrap my legs around her to make her stay and talk.
About anything. About fairytales and princes, if that’s what she wants. Anything to take my mind off the current situation.
“You still up? Has hell frozen over?” She sits down on my bed, and I jump on it, making the springs creak. “Wait a sec, aren’t you spending every moment of your waking time with the boys nowadays? What, were they too busy tonight for nookie?”