“Shane.” That voice from before I stumbled into the bathroom, soft and light.
I turn toward the door, and she’s standing there.
Cassie.
She’s here. So that part was real. She walked with me, came inside with me, I kissed her. And then…
And then I lost it. In front of her. I remember her calling my name, covering me with the quilt. Stroking my hair.
I’m staring at her, numb, unable to form words. This is exactly what I was afraid would happen, and it fucking did. That I’d lose it. Scare her away. Make her pity me.
Dammit. Story of my life.
“How you feeling?” she asks, and I close my eyes and turn away, because, yeah.
Exactly that.
“Fine.” I push myself upright, grab at the wall not to fall when dizziness hits me. “I’m fine.”
“Made you some more tea and toast.” She shifts from foot to foot, clearly uneasy, and why wouldn’t she be after witnessing my total breakdown?
Fuck.
“Don’t worry about me,” I grind out, still trying to decide if I can stop hugging the wall or if I’ll faceplant the moment I push away.
She shrugs, a small roll of her shoulders. Her short black dress clings to her curves, and despite feeling like roadkill, it sends a pang of lust through me and heats up my blood.
For fuck’s sake. After yesterday’s snafu, the last thing she’d want would be to screw around with me.
Get a grip, Shane.
“I’m fucking all right,” I tell her, putting as much conviction into my voice as I can muster. “You don’t have to babysit me any longer.”
She flinches, and I feel like a first class asshole, but then she nods and turns to go.
Probably can’t wait to get out of here. I bet she’s relieved she found out what a nutcase I am before…
Before what? It’s not like she ever wanted anything from me. I’m the one who can’t stop thinking about her, who went and kissed her and slammed her into the wall, like…
Christ, like those motherfuckers in prison.
So what’s this? I’ve gone from being scared shitless of sex to wanting to hurt her? Fuck her like… like I’d force her.
Fuck.
What’s wrong with my mind? She’s the one person I want to get closer to. She makes me feel good, and calm, and so horny I can’t fucking stand it. I want to kiss her, fuck her, make her come and hold her in my arms afterward. I want her to want me, to need me. Hell, to love me.
Oh Christ, I’m really gone. This can’t be happening.
I can’t let it.
So although every cell in my body wants to go after her, stop her from leaving, tell her I need her here, with me, I don’t. I don’t move from my spot until I hear the door close, and I know she has left.
Then I slide down the cold wall and hide my face in the crook of my arm for a long while, wishing I could change everything.
***
It’s windy, snowflakes swirling around me as I work unloading craters from a truck together with three other guys. The wind slices like a knife, and my bruised back is screaming at me, but my mind’s on other things.