When will I learn? He doesn’t need me. He doesn’t want me. I cling to the memories of him, the way he made me feel. Cherished. Loved. Protected.
“Jesus. Sometimes I really hate him,” Audrey whispers, glancing in Dylan’s direction, then back at her plate. “For being so cold with you. And sometimes I want to kick you for crawling back to him every time.”
Her words sting like barbs.
“I don’t crawl,” I mutter. I have my pride, even though it’s a small, frightened thing. “He’s my friend above all. What should I do, let him fall?”
“You know what I’m talking about.”
A tiny bit of anger flares, warming me. “What I know is that you don’t like Dylan. He wasn’t the most supportive of friends when Asher was down.”
“Jesus, Tess. You know that’s not it.”
“Everyone says he’s in a tough spot right now, remember?”
“And then what? Do you think when everything’s fine for him at home he’ll run to you?”
“I don’t…” A knot is lodged in my throat, and I swallow hard. This conversation hurts in ways my parents’ coldness never has. “Just drop it.”
Audrey’s eyes flash. “Do what you want. I certainly can’t tell you what to do or not do.”
Yeah, but she doesn’t have to. I see the disappointment in her gaze, barely hidden behind the fury. And just like every time, that terrible guilt eating at me—for not being what everyone expects, for failing my family and friends, for not being pretty enough, clever enough, good enough—rears its ugly head and forces me to do things I don’t want to do.
Like sit straight and not look back at Dylan flirting with the brunette. Pretending to be strong.
It’s only later, after Audrey has left and I’m gathering my tray, that I allow myself to look at the table where Dylan is sitting.
The brunette’s gone. He’s alone, staring down at his hands that are clasped in front of him. He looks tired and sad, and my heart goes out to him.
But Audrey’s words echo in my head. Who am I doing this for? What do I hope? Why am I doing this to myself every time?
Closing my eyes briefly, I suck in a deep breath, stand up and turn to go.
***
Halo is the gang’s new favorite hang-out. Christmas lights flicker on the walls of the bar. They’re draped over tables and mirrors, festooned over the long bar. Little cherubs hang over our heads, blowing trumpets and playing lyres.
The décor has always bothered me, no idea why. Maybe it’s the connection to Christmas time. All that fake cheer. All those presents I don’t want, the dinners I’m forced to attend, and the smiles I’m obliged to paste on.
I think again of my sis, Mary, who’s now living in Chicago and sometimes calls me, sounding all excited and happy about her new life.
But maybe Dad will take a step back, after all. Maybe he’ll let me study what I want and forget about finding me a husband to marry, say, “If that’s what makes you happy, Tessa. I’m proud of you.”
I’ve waited for those words for so long. For any sign of my father’s love. A real smile directed toward me. A hug. A word of praise.
Jeez. What a pity party.
“What do you think, Tessa?” Zane asks, and I blink, returning to my surroundings.
“What about?”
“Where’s your mind wandering, girl?” Zane’s wrapped around Dakota like a human parka, his chin resting on top of her wild dark hair. He’s been like that ever since he came out of the hospital and announced Dakota is his girl. She seems very happy to be his girl, too.
It’s so cute. So sweet it hurts.
“We’re talking about Dylan,” Erin says, from her place between Tyler’s legs. His arms are around her waist. “How did he seem to you the other day? Audrey said you ran into him at the cafeteria on campus. She also says you’re in a class with him.”
I turn to look at Audrey, trying to gauge her mood—but she’s in Asher’s arms, and he’s whispering something in her ear that’s making her giggle.