“Ash...” She walks over to me. She’s dressed. What a shame. “Don’t shut me out again.”
I shake my head. Don’t wanna lie. If I’m shutting her out, it’s because I have to. “My life isn’t like yours, Auds.”
“What do you mean?”
Damn. I pull on a T-shirt, but still don’t meet her gaze. I can’t. I don’t even know where to start, how to explain. “Never mind. I just need to work some things out.”
Silence stretches.
“You’re running away again,” she whispers.
Her words strike like knives. “I’m not running.”
“You sound like you’ve given up the fight.”
“What do you know about fighting?” Anger makes me see red. “What have you ever had to really fight for, with blood and pain? What do you know about any of it?”
She steps back, her eyes round. “Jesus, Ash. I just want to help you.”
“How can you help me? Shit.” Anger burns inside me, although I realize it’s not her fault my situation is so bad. “Just forget it.”
“How do you expect me to understand,” she says, “when you won’t talk about it?”
“You want me to talk about it?” My heart pounds. “Really? How about I often wished it was my father who’d died in the accident and not yours? How about telling you how lucky you are. That it’s better to have a good father who’s dead rather than a bad one forever?”
Her face pales. “Stop.”
“Why?” Anger sizzles through me. “Isn’t this what you wanted to hear?”
“That I should be thankful my dad’s dead?” She stumbles on the last word and the pain in her voice rips me up like a blade. “Do you have any idea how much I loved him? How empty my life is without him?”
“Can’t say I do.”
She hisses, her eyes wet. “How can you say that?”
“You asked, Auds.” I guess now is the point where she leaves, slamming the door behind her, as she should. My voice drops to a whisper as the anger drains out of me. “You said you wanted to understand. So understand this: I can’t imagine what you had with your dad, because I don’t have it with mine. Never have. All I know is, you have good memories. And that’s something.”
Tears roll down her cheeks and I want to slam my fists into the wall and yell out my frustration. She can’t understand me.
But she hasn’t run away, either. I suck in a deep breath, then I reach out and pull her to me.
“I’m sorry.” I tuck her head under my chin and just hold onto her as small shudders go through her body. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
After a while, she draws back enough to look up at me. “It’s okay. I think...” She swallows hard. “We have some catching up to do. Why don’t you come over to my place tomorrow? I’ll cook and we’ll figure it out.”
I can only stare at her. She really wants to help me, doesn’t she? Even after the horrible things I said.
Her lips are red, well kissed, but I want to kiss her again. I desperately want to sink into her and forget about the world and all its problems. My lips brush over hers until her lashes flutter.
“You have me, Ash,” she whispers. “Not only Zane. For anything you need. I want to be here for you, too. Please, say you’ll come by tomorrow.”
I nod. How can I refuse someone so brave?
A smile breaks over her face, lighting up her eyes. “See you tomorrow, then.”
I just stand there as she walks out of Zane’s apartment. Fuck. What the hell am I doing? And why can’t I stop?
***