Zane doesn’t seem impressed by my flawless logic. His eyes narrow. “Where did you go? You weren’t out on the street for two days, you’d be frozen solid by now.”
“Don’t know.” I’m not going to tell him about the fight club. Zane is a great friend, but I don’t think he’d appreciate my having friends in the underground.
“You don’t know? How can you not know?”
He sounds pissed again and my temper flares, too. “I just don’t, okay? I wasn’t at my best. Truth is, I can’t remember much.”
“Christ, Ash.” He shakes his head. He walks out of the bathroom, muttering to himself. “You look like roadkill,” he calls out. “Like you’re about to keel over. Sit down. I’m ordering pizza.”
“Now you’re talking.” Even if my stomach is roiling so badly right now I might throw up, I can’t let him notice.
Roadkill. Just how I feel, too. Awesome.
***
Zane tiptoes around me during the next few days. Normally I’d get into his face and tell him to knock it off, but I’m too out of it to care. I spend quite a lot of time lying on my side, drifting in and out of sleep.
He keeps forcing me to drink and eat, which is weird. I normally eat like a horse. My head is slowly clearing, though, and I now have enough energy to help out in the apartment—washing, cleaning, fixing the leaking faucets and the heater.
Erin isn’t around. A good thing. Zane says she left early to visit her family for Christmas and I can’t help thinking it’s because of my sudden arrival. Zane tells me I’m more than welcome to stay over the entire holidays.
That’s a weight off my shoulders—postponing the inevitable, the moment I have to leave and find a way to make ends meet somehow.
I still sleep a lot. Have loads of fucking nightmares - but also wet dreams, always involving Audrey, dammit. Can’t get her out of my head. I’m like a junky who’s laid off the stuff for a while and after a tiny taste I’m craving it more than ever.
In my dreams I kiss Audrey and she’s into it, like for real, and I can somehow see her black bra through her clothes and the outline of her breasts. In others, I’m moving inside her even though we’re both fully dressed, and then I wake up, a hot, sticky mess on the sheets and my heart pounding.
God, I’m so hard for her.
How stupid. She despises me. Time to believe
it, and forget her.
Yeah, right. I wish it were that easy.
The guys come over a couple of times—Rafe, Tessa, even Dylan.
I used to know Dylan. But I don’t know what earned him the badge of the Inked Brotherhood Zane has tattooed on his shoulder. Seeing him is awkward after the words we exchanged at Zane’s party. That was the last time we talked.
He seems uneasy, too, and I wonder what Zane told him. Not that I think Dylan knows about my dad. Only Zane knows, and Tessa has a vague idea. That’s the way I want it. I don’t want anyone’s pity.
I’ll make a plan. I’m not a pussy. And yeah, I’m aware these are the words my dad always throws at me. But I’m not giving up, even though at times I think I might.
I can handle this.
Rafe I’m okay with. He’s easygoing and we talk about his interest in kickboxing. He also talks about his courses at college and the band he belongs to. A punk rock band, apparently, and he’s their drummer.
Sometimes it’s easy to forget his past is so dark. Everyone knows how he became a member of the brotherhood and got his badge of honor, inked by Zane. The loss of his entire family back when he was fifteen occupied the media for months. A gruesome murder that shook the community.
Who knows what it did to Rafe. The thought makes my troubles seem small by comparison. In his place I might have given up on life.
But he’s one tough bastard. Respect.
As for Tessa... I’m dying to ask her about Audrey, how she is. If she’s been worried about me. If she’s wondered where I’ve been.
But of course I don’t ask, and of course Audrey wouldn’t care. It isn’t like she’s even noticed when I’ve gone missing before—from where, her life? I’m not a part of it and it’s better for her that way.
Better for me, too, I try to tell myself, but I know it’s a lie.