I’m on my last smoke. My last inhale.
My head is full of swirling darkness.
And then I look down at the steps leading to the yard, remembering that girl—yesterday, was it only yesterday?—the wannabe nanny, all star-eyed innocence, her mouth sinfully full, her small tits and slender body, her dark hair—and my body tightens with a pang of arousal.
With a curse, I head back inside and hunt for the bottle of booze under the kitchen sink, sparing a single thought to whether the kids might discover it in that not so well-thought hiding place, and Christ, I’m drinking before going to work, dammit—then I replace the coffee with pure Scotch and wash the night down.
Taking a deep drag from my cig, I lean against the sink with a groan. I’m a mess. I can’t take care of the kids. What was I thinking?
Leaving. That was what I was thinking. All I could think of at some point.
Not having to put up with the questions and the concern anymore. Not having to hide from everyone who watched, waiting for me to fall apart.
But I didn’t. Not as far as they could see.
It was a no-win situation. If I fell apart, I wasn’t a real man. If I didn’t, well… I had a heart of stone.
I thump my chest once, softly, with my fist. Maybe it has turned to fucking stone. God knows it feels that way. Cold. Heavy.
Unfeeling.
Maybe it was the only way.
In any case…. yeah, I had to leave, and take kids with me. Leaving them behind wasn’t an option.
Even if they hate me.
Maybe I should have left them. Maybe they’d have been happier without me. Not like they’d miss me. Maybe…
Yeah, whatever. It’s done, now. We’re here.
And I need to get my head on straight before it’s too late.
Chapter Four
Octavia
“There are other jobs out there,” Gigi says when she finds out about my failed attempt to talk to Matt Hansen.
But she’s still in school and hasn’t really looked for herself, apart from small summertime jobs such as selling tickets at the drive-in movie theater out of town and the occasional festival. If we lived in Springfield, or close to it, maybe, but here…
Here we’re in the middle of nowhere. Besides, I need something better than minimum wage. I need a steady job, a good-paying job, to pay those debts off, debts accumulated at a time Merc was sick and Mom had to take out some loans to keep us afloat, what with having no family to support her.
Pay the debts, and go off to college, so that I can return and take proper care of my family. That’s my dream.
Hey, I’m not giving up on that.
So I’m officially on a job hunt. I’ve already asked at the few shops on the main street if they’re looking for help, but so far, all I got in way of answers was heads shaking in the negative.
Nothing.
Not that I’m surprised. There’s a reason I banged on Matthew Hansen’s door and insisted to be interviewed. Although embarrassing myself in front of his neighbors made no frigging difference.
I’m not qualified for anything much, not yet. I’ve worked in a store before, so that counts, but without any job openings in the few stores of the town it’s useless.
And like I told Tall, Dark and Jerk, I know how to handle kids, how to care for them. I just love kids. I’ve thought about studying to become a kindergarten teacher. That would be awesome.
But that’s in the future. For now, the dream seems so distant. No matter how many ads I’ve gone over, how many houses I called, the few requests for nannies that were advertised have all been filled, and I’m running out of options.