It was not surprising she had noticed—Elayne had been the one to teach him to watch for minor tells in the expressions of those with whom he spoke.
“All of these people fight under my name,” Rand said. “So many people I do not even know will die for me.”
“That has ever been the burden of a ruler at war.”
“I should be able to protect them,” Rand said. “If you think you can protect everyone, Rand al’Thor, you are far less wise than you pretend.”
He looked at her, meeting her eyes. “I don’t believe I can, but their deaths weigh on me. I feel as if I should be able to do more, now that I remember. He tried to break me, and he failed.”
“Is that what happened that day atop Dragonmount?”
He hadn’t spoken of it to anyone. He pulled his seat closer to hers. “Up there, I realized that I had been thinking too much on strength. I wanted to be hard, so hard. In driving myself so, I risked losing the ability to care. That was wrong. For me to win, I must care. That, unfortunately, means I must allow myself pain at their deaths.”
“And you remember Lews Therin now?” she whispered. “Everything he knew? That is not just an air you put on?”
“I am him. I always was. I remember it now.”
Elayne breathed out, eyes widening. “What an advantage.”
Of all the people he had told that to, only she had responded in such a way. What a wonderful woman.
“I have all of this knowledge, yet it doesn’t tell me what to do.” He stood up, pacing. “I should be able to fix it, Elayne. No more should need to die for me. This is my fight. Why must everyone else go through such suffering?”
“You deny us the right to fight?” she said, sitting up straight.
“No, of course not,” Rand said. “I could deny you nothing. I just wish that somehow… somehow I could make this all stop. Shouldn’t my sacrifice be enough?”
She stood, taking his arm. He turned to her.
Then she kissed him.
“I love you,” she said. “You are a king. But if you would try to deny the good people of Andor the right to defend themselves, the right to stand in the Last Battle…” Her eyes flared, her cheeks flushed. Light! His comments had truly made her angry.
He never quite knew what she was going to say or do, and that excited him. Like the excitement of watching nightflowers, knowing that what was to come would be beautiful, but never knowing the exact form that beauty would take.
“I said I wouldn’t deny you the right to fight,” Rand said.
“It’s about more than just me, Rand. It’s about everyone. Can you understand that?”
“I suppose that I can.”
“Good.” Elayne settled back down and took a sip of her tea, then grimaced.
“It’s gone bad?” Rand asked.
“Yes, but I’m used to it. Still, it’s almost worse than drinking nothing at all, with how spoiled everything is.”
Rand walked to her and took the cup from her fingers. He held it for a moment, but did not channel. “I brought you something. I forgot to mention it.”
“Tea?”
“No, this is just an aside.” He handed the cup back to her and she took a sip.
Her eyes widened. “It’s wonderful. How do you do it?”
“I don’t,” Rand said, sitting. “The Pattern does.”
“But—”