Tam frowned. “That’s not true, son. Er, my Lord.”
“I can’t see it any other way.”
Tam crossed his arms on the smooth stone railing. “I guess I can understand. I remember some of those emotions myself, during the days when I was a soldier. You know that I fought against Tear? You’d think I would have painful memories, coming here. But one enemy often comes to seem like another. I don’t bear any grudges.”
Rand rested the access key on the railing, but held it tightly. He did not lean down; he remained straight-backed.
“A soldier doesn’t have a lot of choices for his own destiny either,” Tam said, tapping softly on the railing with an idle finger. “More important men make all the decisions. Men, well, I guess men like you.”
“But my choices are made for me by the Pattern itself,” Rand said. “I have less freedom than the soldiers. You could have run, deserted. Or at least gotten out by legal means.”
“And you can’t run?” Tam asked.
“I don’t think the Pattern would let me,” Rand said. “What I do is too important. It would just force me back in line. It has done so a dozen times already.”
“And would you really want to run?” Tam asked.
Rand didn’t reply.
“I could have left those wars. But, at the same time, I couldn’t have. Not without betraying who I was. I think it’s the same for you. Does it matter if you can run, when you know that you’re not going to?”
“I’m going to die at the end of this,” Rand said. “And I have no choice.”
Tam stood up straight, frowning. In an instant, Rand felt that he was twelve years old again. “I won’t have talk like that,” Tam said. “Even if you’re the Dragon Reborn, I won’t listen to it. You always have a choice. Maybe you can’t pick where you are forced to go, but you still have a choice.”
“But how?”
Tam laid a hand on Rand’s shoulder. “The choice isn’t always about what you do, son, but why you do it. When I was a soldier, there were some men who fought simply for the money. There were others who fought for loyalty—loyalty to their comrades, or to the crown, or to whatever. The soldier who dies for money and the soldier who dies for loyalty are both dead, but there’s a difference between them. One death meant something. The other didn’t.
“I don’t know if it’s true that you’ll need to die for this all to play out. But we both know you aren’t going to run from it. Changed though you are, I can see that some things are the same. So I won’t stand any whining on the subject.”
“I wasn’t whining—” Rand began.
“I know,” Tam said. “Kings don’t whine, they deliberate.” He seemed to be quoting someone, though Rand had no idea who. Oddly, Tam gave a brief chuckle. “It doesn’t matter,” Tam continued. “Rand, I think you can survive this. I can’t imagine that the Pattern won’t give you some peace, considering the service you’re doing for us all. But you’re a soldier going to war, and the first thing a soldier learns is that you might die. You may not be able to choose the duties you’re given. But you can choose why you fulfill them. Why do you go to battle, Rand?”
“Because I must.”
“That’s not good enough,” Tam said. “To the crows with that woman! I wish she’d come to me sooner. If I’d known—”
“What woman?”
“Cadsuane Sedai,” Tam said. “She brought me here, said that I needed to talk to you. I’d stayed away, previously, because I thought the last thing you needed was your father stomping across your field!”
Tam continued, but Rand stopped listening.
Cadsuane. Tam had come because of Cadsuane. It wasn’t because Tam had noticed Nynaeve and taken the opportunity. Not because he’d just wanted to check on his son. But because he’d been manipulated into coming.
Would the woman never leave Rand alone!
His emotions seeing Tam were so strong that they had worn away the ice. Too much affection was like too much hatred. Either one made him feel, which was something he could not risk.
But he had. And suddenly, feeling nearly overcame him. He shuddered, turning away from Tam. Had their conversation all been another one of Cadsuane’s games? What was Tam’s part in it?
“Rand?” Tam asked. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought up the Aes Sedai. She said you might be angry if I mentioned her.”
“What else did she say?” Rand demanded, spinning back toward Tam. The stout man took a hesitant step backward. Night air blew around them, lights from the city dots below.
“Well,” Tam said, “she told me that I should talk about your youth, remind you of better times. She thought—”