“I did nothing, Nynaeve. I suspect that once you removed that Compulsion, the only thing keeping him alive was his anger at Graendal, buried deeply. Whatever bit of himself remained, it knew the only help it could give were those two words. After that, he just let go. There was nothing more we could do for him.”
“I don’t accept that,” Nynaeve said, frustrated. “He could have been Healed!” She should have been able to help him! Undoing Graendal’s Compulsion had felt so good, so right. It shouldn’t have ended this way!
She shuddered, feeling dirtied. Used. How was she better than the jailer who had done such horrible things for information? She glared at Rand. He could have told her what removing Compulsion would do!
“Don’t look at me like that, Nynaeve.” He walked to the door and gestured for the Maidens there to collect Kerb’s body. They did so, carrying it away as Rand called softly for a new pot of tea.
He returned, sitting down on the bench beside the sleeping Min; she’d tucked one of the bench’s pillows under her head. One of the two lamps in the room was burning low, and that left his face half in shadow. “This was the only way it could have happened,” he continued. “The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills. You are Aes Sedai. Is that not one of your creeds?”
“I don’t know what it is,” Nynaeve snapped, “but it’s not an excuse for your actions.”
“What actions?” he asked. “You brought this man to me. Graendal used Compulsion on him. Now I will kill her for it—that action will be my sole responsibility. Now, let me be. I shall try to go back to sleep.”
“Don’t you feel any guilt at all?” she demanded.
They locked eyes, Nynaeve frustrated and helpless, Rand. . . . Who could guess what Rand felt these days!
“Should I suffer for them all, Nynaeve?” he asked quietly, rising, face still half in the darkness. “Lay this death at my feet, if you wish. It will just be one of many. How many stones can you pile on a man’s body before the weight stops mattering? How far can you burn a lump of flesh until further heat is irrelevant? If I let myself feel guilt for this boy, then I would need to feel guilt for the others. And it would crush me.”
She regarded him in the half light. A king, certainly. A soldier, though he had only occasionally seen war. She forced down her anger. Hadn’t this all been about proving to him that he could trust her?
“Oh, Rand,” she said, turning away. “This thing you have become, the heart without any emotion but anger. It will destroy you.”
“Yes,” he said softly.
She looked back at him, shocked.
“I continue to wonder,” he said, glancing down at Min, “why you all assume that I am too dense to see what you find so obvious. Yes, Nynaeve. Yes, this hardness will destroy me. I know.”
“Then why?” she asked. “Why won’t you let us help you?”
He looked up—not at her, but staring off at nothing. A servant knocked quietly, wearing the white and forest green of Milisair’s house. She entered and deposited the new pot of tea, picked up the old one, then withdrew.
“When I was much younger,” he said, voice soft, “Tam told me of a story he’d heard while traveling the world. He spoke of Dragonmount. I didn’t know at the time that he’d actually seen it, nor that he had found me there. I was just a shepherd boy, and Dragonmount, Tar Valon and Caemlyn were almost mythical places to me.
“He told me of it, though, a mountain so high it made even Twinhorn’s Peak back home seem a dwarf. Tam’s stories claimed no man had ever climbed to Dragonmount’s peak. Not because it was impossible—but because reaching the top would take every last ounce of strength a man had. So tall was the mountain that besting it would be a struggle that drained a man completely.”
He fell silent.
“So?” Nynaeve finally asked.
He looked at her. “Don’t you see? The stories claimed no man had climbed the mountain because in doing so, he would be without strength to return. A mountaineer could best it, reach the top, see what no man had ever seen. But then he would die. The strongest and wisest explorers knew this. So they never climbed it. They always wanted to, but they waited, reserving that trip for another day. For they knew it would be their last.”
“But that’s just a story,” Nynaeve said. “A legend.”
“That’s what I am,” Rand said. “A story. A legend. To be told to children years from now, spoken of in whispers.” He shook his head. “Sometimes, you can’t turn back. You have to keep pressing on. And sometimes, you know this climb is your last.
“You all claim that I have grown too hard, that I will inevitably shatter and break if I continue on. But you assume that there needs to be something left of me to continue on. That I need to climb back down the mountain once I’ve reached the top.
“That’s the key, Nynaeve. I see it now. I will not live through this, and so I don’t need to worry about what might happen to me after the Last Battle. I don’t need to hold back, don’t need to salvage anything of this beaten up soul of mine. I know that I must die. Those who wish for me to be softer, willing to bend, are those who cannot accept what will happen to me.” He looked down at Min again. Many times before, Nynaeve had seen affection in his eyes when he regarded her, but this time they were blank. Set in that same, emotionless face.
“We can find a way, Rand,” Nynaeve said. “Surely there is a way to win but also let you live.”
“No,” he growled softly. “Do not tempt me down that path again. It only leads to pain, Nynaeve. I . . . I used to think about leaving something behind to help the world survive once I died, but that was a struggle to keep living. I can’t indulge myself. I’ll climb this bloody mountain and face the sun. You all will deal with what comes next. That is how it must be.”
She opened her mouth to object again, but he gave her a sharp glance. “That is how it must be, Nynaeve.”
She closed her mouth.