"Don't ask about Teal." Gia warned.
"Just keep giving Dr. Foreman what she wants and get out," Mindy added.
They both walked into the house. I stood there for a moment. If I could cry. I would. I thought.
But shock, fear, and exhaustion had stolen all my tears.
It made sense I was in the desert. Even my well of sorrow was
My second shock came when I entered the dining room and found Robin sitting at the table. She was hunched over her plate eating and drinking ravenously. Her body trembled and she looked like she had been rolling around in a coal bin. Her hands, however, were clean. She looked up at me and quickly looked down at her food.
"Robin. What happened to you? How are you?" I asked.
Mindy and Gia paused in dishing themselves some scrambled eggs and looked at me, their eyes full of warning. I didn't care. I had to know.
Before I could say another word, however, M'Lady Two was at the door.
"Girls. Dr. Foreman wanted me to tell you that she wants you all to devote this afternoon to academic studies. This is actually a reward. We're easing the restriction on talking. You're free to speak to each other at all times in the barracks and on the grounds, but don't forget to excuse yourselves and thank each other."
My first thought was this confirmed for me that the barracks was bugged. Dr. Foreman wanted us talking now. She wanted to hear what we said and thought.
"You're to spend the day in your barracks doing your lessons and homework." M'Ladv Two continued. "If you do all your work properly and you have a satisfying session, you will have free time after dinner."
"Free time? What can we do with free time here?" I asked.
"Breathe," she replied, and laughed.
After she left. I turned back to Robin, hoping she would tell me something about what had been done to her.
"Stop looking at me." she snapped. It took me by such surprise, I turned to Mindy and Gia.
They both looked at me with I-told-you-so expressions. I served myself some breakfast and ate with my eyes straight ahead. I couldn't remember ever feeling more alone and lost, more helpless than I felt at that moment.
Afterward, on our way back to the barracks. Gia stepped up beside me.
"Even though they're easing up on the notalking restrictions, don't keep asking Robin about the Ice Room," she said. "She's been told it's forbidden to talk about it, and if she does, she can end up back there. Basically, she's ashamed of herself."
"Why would she be ashamed of herself?" What did Gia know?
"Because of what happened there and what she promised or said to get out."
"How do you know?"
Gia stopped. She didn't look at me. She just gazed ahead, her eyes growing small, dark. "Because I was there. too." Then she walked on, leaving me behind, staring after her.
I looked back at the house and thought about Teal. I really couldn't blame her for running off, but what was the point of Dr. Foreman forcing me to tell on her if she let her go off like that? Nothing made any sense to me. Nothing I did seemed to help.
Whenever I thought things might be getting better, they were actually getting worst. I was afraid to make any more decisions. We could talk, but I was afraid to talk. What if I said the wrong things? What were the right things?
Standing there under the glaring sun. I felt suddenly like I couldn't move. Any direction I took. anything I said or did, would not help me. I was filled with a sense of dread and terror of any decision I might make. Even walking to the barracks seemed like it might be wrong.
Suddenly a cold wave of panic nailed my feet to the desert floor. I couldn't even swallow. My heart was pounding as if I had been running for miles. though. It was getting harder and harder to breathe. I was caught in some sort of invisible web. My arms and legs were stuck. I could almost see the spider approaching. I've got to do something. something...
I didn't realize I was being watched, and not by any of the buddies or Dr. Foreman. Natani stood so still and so quiet. I could have walked past him and not realized it. Finally, after looking at me for some time. I guess, he came forward, materializing out of thin air.
"The rabbit," he said. "grows so afraid, he cannot move. He trembles in place and the fox has a pleasing time of it. Your eyes are clouded with fear, daughter of the sun. Open them wider. look beyond. Go where the sun sets." He pointed to the western horizon, "See yourself outside and you will not tremble in your footsteps."
I looked where he painted. See yourself outside? Yes, think about anyplace else but here. I thought of Atlanta, of being with my old friends, of laughter and freedom and the neon lights, the music, the noise. Envisioning it seemed to wash a cool relief over my body.