"Never let go of the reins," he said. "It is how you talk to Wind Song, to tell him which way to turn and when to stop. He is rein trained." Natani showed me how to lay the reins on Wind Song's left side to turn him right and vice versa.
"Do not pull back when you are standing still. He will think you want to go back. Hold the reins like a bird: too tight and you will choke it, too loose and it will fly away, daughter of the tortoise.
"Wind Sang likes you, but he will want to ride you and not you ride him. It is natural to him. He is a proud animal, full of spirit, so be firm with your movements. You must feel his moves, and when he starts to turn where you don't want him to turn, stop him, because once he is into it, it will be hard to make him change his mind."
"Do I say giddap?" I asked.
Natani smiled and shook his head. "You watch too many cowboy-and-Indian movies. You press firmly with your heels into his sides when you want him to go forward. Don't worry about hurting him. You won't, but he will know you are serious if you press firmly. Bounce with him, daughter of the tortoise." Natani then slapped Wind Song on the rump and he started around the corral.
Bounce I did and I came down too hard and fast. Natani told me I was being too stiff. I knew I had to hide my fear, but it was hard. Finally. I discovered that Natani was right: If I relaxed, it was less difficult and I didn't bounce as hard. I softened and I could feel I was riding better and better. After a few more trots. Wind Sang stopped as if he was testing me. and Natani urged me to move him ahead. I did so, firmly kicking with my heels. He began to trot again and Natani shouted for me to practice turning him.
"Firmly. firmly," Natani called to me. "Do everything to show him you mean it."
It was easier than I had expected, and soon I began to enjoy it. I even turned him sharply, then started around again just to see if I could make him do that. My courage was building with every minute I rode.
Look at me. I thought. Look at me. Who on the street in Atlanta would believe Phoebe Elder would be riding a horse bareback?
On my next turn. I saw M'Lady One standing next to the fence. She was smiling, but it wasn't a friendly, happy-for-me smile. It was impish. I looked to Natani, but he didn't see her.
As we drew closer, she leaned over the fence. "Having a good time. Phoebe bird?"
I was about to say yes when she flicked a cigarette lighter, one of those that had a knob permitting you to increase the flame. Wind Song caught sight of it and reared sharply to his left, whipping into a gallop. I tried holding him back, but he was excited and afraid. I thought he was actually going to try to leap over the fence, but he stopped short and raised his forelegs. I lost my grip and slid off his back, splashing down into the horse manure.
M'Lady One, now joined by the other two buddies, roared with laughter. Wind Song trotted away and stared at me, snorting, brushing the ground with his right hoof like a bull about to charge. Then Natani entered the corral and walked toward him. He held out his hand and placed it on the horse's head. For a moment Wind Song looked like he would throw it off. but he didn't. He calmed down and stood still, his tail slapping at flies again.
"I guess she's a born rider, huh. Natani?" M'Lady One called. Natani said nothing. He helped me up and I started to brush off.
"It's lonesome in the saddle since my horse died." M'Lady Two sang, and the three of them walked away laughing.
Natani stared after them, his eyes dark. Then he tilted his head as if he heard something and looked off to the right where some clouds slid beside each other, the bellies of them all dark. "She flicked a lighter. Natani. She frightened Wind Song."
He nodded. "I saw." He continued to stare out at the clouds, "The wind is angry. There will be thunder inside us. That will be enough for today."
What does that mean? I wondered. I stood there and watched as he led Wind Song back to the stables. I was so angry and frustrated. Maybe that was what he meant by the thunder inside us. There was enough inside me to cause a flood, but all I did was mumble curses under my breath as I went to the showers to clean off the manure as best I could.
Afterward. I told Robin and Teal what I had done and what had happened. I also told them what Natani had said as he looked off at some dark clouds in the distance. Gia was nearby and listened, but these days she was more introverted than ever. She kept her distance, kept to herself as if she was afraid we would do or say something that interfered with her thoughts.
Sometimes. I would catch her pausing in her work, staring at the hacienda, her lips moving, but no sounds coming from her. After a while she would realize I was watching her and she would return to work.
At dinner she was no less quiet and to herself. She ate, did her chores, spoke only when she had to speak, then returned to the barn barracks where she read over what she had written in her notebook, did some homework, and went to sleep. She was going to sleep earlier and earlier each night. Robin asked me about her. She and Teal had noticed the dramatic changes, too, but whenever I asked Gia if she wanted us to do anything, she shook her head and said nothing. Once she did say. Not now."
Did she mean she wanted nothing now or nothing was wrong now?
I assumed her behavior might have a lot to do with Mindy and how much she missed her. Despite the way she used to snap at her and criticize her. Mindy was still closer to her than we were. It made sense. She had spent more time with her.
Occasionally. I would see her staring at Mindy's cot, but even her staring was different now. She seemed to be seeing things. Her eyes would grow larger and smaller, her lips would move, and sometimes she would shake her head or nod slightly. She was so intense about it, she was lost in it. The barn could fall down around us, and she would still be standing there, looking at that empty cat. I thought. She heard nothing, would respond to no one, and then, when she was finished, just turn and curl up on her cot.
Didn't Dr. Foreman see these changes in her? I wondered. Every day after we had returned from our desert ordeal. I anticipated some sort of therapy session with Dr. Foreman, either with the three of us or one at a time, but she wasn't around as much. We didn't see her at dinner for three nights in a row, but we did see the van coming and going with her.
"She's probably working on replacements, not that I have any high hopes about us being released any too soon." Robin said.
I imagined she was right. There did seem to be a new stirring about the ranch. The buddies were on our backs less and more to themselves, one day going off on a so-called R-and-R trip and returning laden with lots of goodies. I was sure. They were too happy and lighthearted. We didn't dare go to the back of the house to spy on them, but we had little doubt they were partying.
And then, a little more than two weeks after our return, it happened.
We would spend many hours reviewing the details, frying to make some sense of it. We would also spend a lot of our energy trying to forget it. It would be the stuff from which nightmares were made. Every scream I heard thereafter would nudge the memories and fill me with cold shudders. The same would be true for Robin and Teal, maybe even more so, especially for Teal. There was never a question about her being the weakest of the three of us, the most thin-skinned, although by the time this was over, she was probably as hard as a turtle shell compared to the friends she had and the friends she would make.
Natani once told me that life, time, experiences, spin more and more of the cocoon around you, insulating you against more of the same in the future or anything that can hurt you.