And yet, when I looked at her now, and thought about what she had and what were her challenges and problems. I didn't think of her as a happy person. I thought of her as someone trapped in her own fortress, concerned only with patching the walls and keeping the demons away. Laughter, music, friendship, and even love were more often on the outside of those walls as well.
Did she love Ian and me at all? Could she? Or even more, did she even want to love us? Were we just a nuisance? Surely, she had these feelings about Ian. I thought, looking from her to him. He wouldn't let her love him anyway. He barely let Mama love him. I never ever saw him run to her and embrace her. It was always she who embraced or kissed him.
I wanted Grandmother Emma to love me, to care about me. I don't know why it was so important to me, but it was, and
now. I had this illness, this precocious puberty that obviously disgusted her or at a minimum, annoyed her. Instead of growing closer to her. I had been dragged and pushed farther away by forces beyond my control.
Her eyes opened and she looked at me and the way I was looking at her. Unlike most other times. I didn't immediately shift my gaze. We stared at each other a long moment. She didn't smile, but she didn't look at me angrily either. She looked like she had seen something that, at least for this moment, frightened her.
"Felix," she called.
"Yes, Mrs. March?"
"I'm sure the children are hungry. How close are we to the restaurant?"
"Five more minutes and we'll be there," he said.
"Good." She straightened up in the seat. "I must say. I'm somewhat hungry myself, although I do hope they have something other than hamburgers, Felix."
"Oh, indeed they do, Mrs. March. It's a good menu.. I'm sure you'll be pleased."
When we arrived at the restaurant, she. Ian, and I were led to a booth. Felix sat at the counter as if he had nothing whatsoever to do with us. Ian ordered a deluxe hamburger, but I saw Mama's favorite lunch on the menu and ordered a Chinese chicken salad. I saw my choice impressed Grandmother Emma. She ordered the same thing.
"Is my father on his way to the cabin now?" Ian asked after the waitress took our menus.
His question surprised me almost as much as it did her. I knew we were supposed to behave as if we knew nothing about what was happening between our parents.
"If he's not there now. he will be shortly." she said.
"I hope so. I wouldn't want Mother to be left there alone." Ian said sharply.
"I think your mother is capable of taking care of herself, Ian."
"So do I. but she's had a shock," he said. "Don't you think she's in great emotional pain?"
I know my mouth was opened when she glanced at me.
"I don't think this is a subject for discussion for young people your age."
"Adult talk?" Ian said, smiling at me.
"Precisely, adult talk," Grandmother Emma said.
She smoothed out her place mat on the table, and after a few moments of silence to let the tension weaken and fall away, she folded her hands and looked at Ian again.
"Tell me, Ian," she said in a friendlier tone of voice, "you are an excellent student, you read a great deal, you have a strong interest in nature and in science, what is it you would like to be, exactly?"
Her interest in him took us both by surprise.
"I'm still exploring my options,'" he said. "It will be something to do with medicine, however."
"You want to help people, east their pain and suffering?"
Ian's eyes blinked and then narrowed. "I think I'd be better in research," he replied.
"Yes, so do I," Grandmother Emma said. "Research." The way she said it made it sound like something inferior.
"In the end I'll still be helping people," Ian said defensively. "I just won't have to deal with and be distracted by all the unnecessary bureaucratic business.'"