In a real sense, then, I thought maybe Mother was right. I had caused it, too. I was in that conspiracy of silence she had described. Haylee might have been a victim of herself, but with my compromises and refusal to aggressively stop her, I had permitted her to do the terrible thing she had done. Turning a blind eye was exactly the wrong turn to make.
Thinking about all this now, I realized that there was no way I could refuse to see her psychiatrist. My father wanted me to decide after careful consideration, but there was nothing to consider. If I felt even the slightest responsibility for all this, I had to do what I could to bring about an end to the suffering we both endured, and even though she was the one incarcerated, I was imprisoned in a real way, too. I decided I would call my father in the morning and tell him to arrange the session with Dr. Alexander.
Meanwhile, for my date with Troy, I chose a pink long-sleeved blouse, a cream-colored sweater, and a pair of jeans. I had a black leather jacket with a white imitation-fur collar and a pair of black boots. I spent more time on my makeup than usual and decided to wear a black, fuzzy earflap beanie over my natural hair, which was still quite short but starting to look more fashionable. When I was ready, I went out to the entryway to wait for Troy. I wouldn’t deny that I was nervous, even trembling a little. This was my first formal date since my abduction. Had all the therapy been enough? I was in such deep thought about it that I didn’t even hear Jessie and Kim come up behind me. They were dressed for dates, too.
“Nice coat,” Kim said.
“Thank you.”
“What movie are you going to see?” Jessie asked.
I thought for a moment and then laughed. “I don’t know. I never even asked him.”
“Maybe he intends to take you to a movie in his house. I heard he’s got an entertainment center with a big screen,” Kim said. “Bobby Johnson’s parents have been over to the Matzners’ for a charity event.”
“Maybe.”
“You don’t care where you go?” Jessie asked.
I saw Troy pulling into the parking lot and turned to them. “It’s not the destination. It’s the journey,” I said. They both looked like someone had hit them in the face with a snowball. “Have a good time tonight,” I added, and hurried out, smiling to myself. The goody-goody image was definitely washed off me now, I thought, but I couldn’t help wondering if I might regret it.
Troy was getting out of his car when I appeared. “Hey,” he said, “I was on my way to get you properly.”
“Why put you through the inspection?” I said.
He looked back at the entrance and saw Kim and Jessie looking out at us, and then he opened the car door for me. “You look very nice,” he said. “No,” he added, putting his hand on my shoulder to keep me from getting in. “You look like you belong on the cover of a magazine.”
“Better,” I said, tilting my head as if I were really thinking about it. “But keep working on it.”
He laughed harder than he had since I’d met him and closed the door after I got in. I saw that four more girls had joined Kim and Jessie, and both of them were talking at once, offering their opinions about me, I was sure. What sort of impression was I making? I was confident Marcy would tell me later.
“Am I out of my league dating you?” Troy asked after getting in. “I’d appreciate the warning.”
“Too early to tell,” I said.
He widened his smile and drove out of the lot.
I glanced back at the dorm. There were two more girls now, all watching us leave.
Troy looked into his rearview mirror. “We have an audience, all right. Have I brought you a little too much attention?”
“You do have a reputation,” I said.
“Which is?”
“No reputation.”
“Excuse me?”
“Apparently, from what I’ve been told by the dissectors, you haven’t asked anyone here on a date for as long as you’ve been attending Littlefield.”
“Is that good or bad?”
“Too early to tell.”
He started to laugh and then stopped. “What exactly do they say about me?”
“Do you really care?”