They paused.
“Don’t forget Mr. Moccasin,” I said, pointing at him.
The last thing I remembered was the policewoman smiling and lifting the cat into her arms.
Epilogue
Kaylee
They kept me in the hospital for nearly a week, because they wanted me to have counseling in addition to stabilizing my body. It seemed to me that they checked out every inch of me. They even had a dentist come see me. Daddy had a stylist brought in to cut my hair so that it would grow back evenly. He promised to take me to find a suitable wig for the time being, even two if I wanted. He didn’t tell me everything until the third day.
I didn’t say anything or ask any questions. I was sorry about Mother. Daddy was hoping that when I was well enough to visit her, she might begin a real recovery herself. For the first few days, I slept a lot, but whenever I woke, he was sitting there, waiting. At times, I was vaguely aware of him talking to someone. One day, I saw him talking to two men in jackets and ties. I knew they weren’t businessmen. They had to be policemen.
The therapist who was sent to treat me was a woman named Dr. Sacks. I gathered from her introduction and things I heard about her later that she specialized in helping rape victims. I made a point of telling her that I was never actually raped. The pride I took in the clever ways I had avoided that was amusing to her. She kept promising me that I was going to be just fine.
“The mind has ways to file away such a horrible experience,” she assured me, but she also pointed out that I might have nightmares for some time.
We also talked about my being what she called psychologically gun-shy.
“Your trust of strangers, especially men, will be difficult to achieve, maybe for your whole life, but all of us are a little paranoid. Paranoia isn’t necessarily a bad thing if it’s controlled. You’ll just be a lot more careful than most people.”
Of course, I knew that many of the things she told me were things she was saying simply to help me feel better about myself and my future.
She wanted me to tell her in as much detail as I could what had happened to me. “It’s better to get it out,” she said.
I did tell her a great deal, and I did feel better after telling her. Arrangements were made for me to see her periodically after I was released from the hospital. It made sense to me. I didn’t have another woman in whom I could confide. My grandmothers were not useful for this, and with Mother still suffering herself, there wasn’t anyone. There were things I didn’t want to tell Daddy or didn’t feel comfortable telling him. He understood. Actually, I think he was happy that I couldn’t tell him these things. He was afraid of his own nightmares.
I asked about Mr. Moccasin. Dr. Sacks thought it was very nice that I cared, but she didn’t recommend that I keep him.
“He’s too tied to it all,” she said. “He’s too much of a reminder and will revive images that you would rather forget. He’ll be fine, I’m sure.”
I was sorry about that. Mr. Moccasin had become my only friend and companion, but I understood what she was saying.
It wasn’t until the night before I was going to be released from the hospital that Daddy talked about Haylee. She was in a county jail, and the attorney Daddy had felt obligated to get for her was moving to have her psychologically evaluated and transferred to a clinic.
“The legal system works slowly, but frankly, I’m happy she’s in a real jail for a while,” he told me.
I’m not, I thought, but I didn’t say it. No one, especially Daddy perhaps, would understand how I could feel so sorry for her. But it was like Mother always told us—we felt each other’s pain. I wanted to believe that she had felt mine while I was trapped. I wanted to believe that she was sorry. How could I believe any of that if I let myself hate her?
I said nothing.
I would never know how I really felt about her until I faced her again. That would take time.
“Everyone’s asking about you,” Daddy told me the day he took me home. “Your grandparents are coming to see you, and my brothers and their families will be coming for the first vacation they can get. We’ll be like a family,” he joked.
I was very nervous about going home. I was afraid that the moment I entered the house, I would burst into uncontrollable sobbing. I could see Daddy was nervous for me, too.
The moment we entered, I expected to see Haylee. I couldn’t help that. It was so unusual for me to be home without her. Daddy followed me up to my room. I stood in the doorway and looked at everything as if for the first time.
“Why don’t you just rest for a while?” he said. “I’m ordering in some Chinese for us.”
I looked at him.
“Okay?”
“Yes. You know what we like,” I said. It would be what Haylee liked, too.
He realized what I was saying and nodded. Then he reached out to hug me.