“Don’t think that every moment I’m not thinking as hard about you as I am about your mother. I know this is as devastating for you as it is for anyone. More so because your sister was, is, so much a part of you and you of her. I’ll be here for you. Don’t worry,” he promised.
I was crying. What is this? I wondered. Am I really crying this time? It’s the Kaylee in me, damn it. No matter what I did, we were part of each other. Maybe in time, she would dwindle, but right now, she was here, standing beside me, crying for us all the way I imagined she would. She would even be blaming herself.
Well, take the blame, I thought, and wiped the tears from my cheeks.
“I have to redo my face,” I told Daddy.
He smiled. “And what a pretty face it is,” he said. He kissed me again and left.
I returned to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror, wondering if I had enough water in me to generate all the tears I was planning to shed when I met my girlfriends and Kaylee’s at school.
On my way out, I hesitated at Mother’s doorway. Mrs. Lofter stepped out of the bathroom and saw me.
“I’m giving her a bath,” she said. “It’s calming. Your father says you’re going to school?”
“Yes. I’m taking your advice,” I quickly added, making it sound clearly like if anything went wrong, it would be her fault. “I’m not really ready for it, but you certainly know more about these things than I do.”
The smile around her narrowed eyelids was the kind of smile I often saw and feared. It usually indicated that the smiling person was amused at how deceitful I was. Usually, I turned away quickly, but I wouldn’t let Mrs. Lofter make me feel ashamed or guilty.
“Don’t you?” I followed.
“Everyone’s different, of course, but I think it might be good for you, yes,” she said. “I’m sure you’ll try your best.”
She returned to the bathroom to tend to Mother.
It was as if a wall of ice had formed between us. I hurried downstairs, rearranging the look on my face so Daddy could see how painful this was going to be for me.
He had just hung up the phone. I paused. He shook his head. “The police.”
I held my breath.
“Nothing concrete yet,” he said.
I lowered my head. She will never come back, I thought. Has it truly sunk in? Will I be waiting for the phone to ring forever, no matter where I am, even at college, even married with my own family?
“Ready?” Daddy asked.
“As I’ll ever be, I suppose.” I followed him out to the car and got in.
“I forget what time to pick you up,” he said.
“No worries, Daddy. I have someone eager to bring me home.”
He laughed. “I should have realized that.”
Once we were away from the house, I said, “Mother promised Kaylee and me that we would have our own car. Most of the kids our age in our school do.”
“Oh. Well, if that’s something she promised, it’s the same as if I promised,” he said.
“That’s sweet, Daddy.”
“Besides,” he added, turning to me, “just think what a nice welcome-home present it will be for Kaylee.”
“Yes,” I said. “Just think.”
I looked forward, thinking about the new future opening up for me.
Welcome to your new life, Haylee Blossom Fitzgerald, I heard the voice inside me say.