“I don’t know. I won’t be the best company for you.”
“Of course you will.”
I hesitated. Don’t be too anxious to do it; don’t look too excited, I told myself. “I don’t know,” I said.
“I do. Let’s do it.”
I sighed deeply and nodded. “Okay. I’ll put something else on.”
“Yeah, wear something you like. I want you to feel good about yourself. We can’t live in this depressing darkness day and night.”
“But do you really think we should go? I mean . . . poor Mother.”
“There’s nothing wrong with trying to take a breather, Haylee, so don’t feel guilty about it. She’ll be fine for the few hours we’re gone. Besides, I don’t want you getting yourself run down and so depressed you get sick.”
“Okay, Daddy,” I said, as reluctantly as I could say something I really wanted to say. Make him feel like he’s dragging me out of here, I thought.
As soon as he left, I practically leaped off the bed. With glee, I began to sift through my clothes, looking for something that would do just what he had suggested and help me feel good about myself. Since we were going to a restaurant where no one would know us, I didn’t have to worry about looking too sexy, either. A few months ago, after I had persuaded
Kaylee to show her she wanted it as much as I did, Mother had bought us identical dark-blue lace-detail dresses that clung to our bodies like another layer of skin. They were only twenty-one inches long from the waist, which Mother had thought was too short. I’d really wanted the dress, because I knew how sexy I would look when I wore it.
“Don’t worry, Mother,” I had said. “We know how to bend to pick something up when we wear them.”
Reluctantly, she had given in when Kaylee matched my enthusiasm. In her heart of hearts, I knew she had wanted it as much as I did. She was just a lot shier. We had worn the dresses out of the store, and despite Mother’s reluctance, she had basked in the looks of admiration we were getting from other women and girls, not to mention the lustful looks from men, even men old enough to be our grandfathers.
“We’re making them regret their age,” I had told Kaylee. “They’re practically undressing us with their eyes.”
She had looked back at them and then actually blushed and walked faster.
Something was surely missing from her DNA that was in mine after all, I thought, but it wasn’t something Mother would ever let herself see.
Mother had bought us matching shoes, too. Now I got them out of the closet and then played with some earrings until I found the right pair. I hadn’t done my makeup for so long I was afraid I might mess it up, but after I was finished, I had to admit I looked pretty good, actually more than pretty good.
“I’ll break hearts,” I told my image, which was something I would say whenever I got dressed. I used to say, “We’ll break hearts.”
It felt so good not having that We to start so many sentences.
Daddy had changed and looked very handsome in his turquoise sweater. He had already informed Mrs. Lofter that we’d be gone. Of course, she had his cell number. I felt like I was getting off a sinking ship as we got into his car and drove away.
“You really look beautiful, Haylee,” he said.
“Thank you, Daddy. I don’t feel beautiful, but I’ll try for you.”
He laughed, something he probably hadn’t done for nearly ten days. “You’re always beautiful to me, Haylee. Both of you,” he added.
“I know. I feel like I’ve got to be doubly good at everything, do Kaylee’s share as well as my own. With everything!”
He was silent for a while, and then he took a deep breath, turned to me, and said, “I really wanted us to be alone so we could talk about your mother more freely.”
“She can’t stay like this forever, can she?”
“That’s the issue,” he said. “Mrs. Lofter has been in constant touch with a Dr. Solomon Jaffe in Philadelphia, someone with whom she’s worked. She was a nurse at his clinic for more than ten years. He’s coordinated with Mrs. Lofter on the medication your mother is taking, but if she doesn’t make some progress, we’re going to have to have Dr. Jaffe examine her. It might be a deeper issue than we can manage at home, even with Mrs. Lofter’s help, and then there are days when she won’t be here, of course. I’d have to stay home when you were at school, or you might miss school.”
He paused to let his words set in my mind. My silence was disturbing, but I was wondering if this was all leading to a place I had not intended to go. It was one thing to have people sympathize with you because your mother was distraught over the abduction of one of her children but another to have her declared certifiable. How would I live with that? Not that I would feel so guilty about it, but I was thinking that everyone would look at me differently.
This had happened to Tami Gary when she was in the seventh grade. Her father had left them when Tami was in the fourth grade. Her parents hadn’t gotten a divorce. He’d just left, and Tami’s mother’s family had tried to get him arrested for not paying child support. That had been bad enough, but her mother had been into alcohol and some drugs, maybe as a result, and eventually had been put into a rehab clinic. Tami had gone to live with her grandmother, but I recalled how she had suddenly become so unpopular that she wasn’t invited to anything and barely had anyone to hang out with at school. Her mother had been in and out of rehab until she had eventually been put into a mental clinic, supposedly because of side effects from the life she had been leading, if it could be called a life. When Tami’s grandmother had died, Tami had been sent to live with an aunt and uncle on her father’s side, and no one had ever heard from her or about her again. And no one had cared!
“Do you understand what I’m saying, Haylee?” Daddy now asked when I remained silent.