But I could ignore them no longer.
"Daddy, won't I ever see you again?" pleaded. I had to wet my lips which had gone dry. My hands betrayed me and began to shake so I had to clasp them together and press them down in my lap.
"Oh sure you will. Sure, sure. This trip will only be about a month and then I'll come by."
"Come by"? The words sounded so silly corning from my father. He would "come by"? To his own home? Like a visitor, a stranger, he would ring the doorbell and be greeted by a butler and then be announced?
"And call you and write you whenever I can," he added. He reached out to take my hand. "You're growing very quickly now, Leigh. You are a young woman and have a young woman's concerns. You need your mother more than ever, need her advice and companionship. You'll be growing more interested in boys and they'll be growing more interested in you.
"Perhaps your mother's right about one thing--I shouldn't be filling your head with business things and mechanical things at this point."
"Oh no, Daddy, 1 never minded that. I enjoyed it," protested fervently.
"I know." He patted my hand. I yearned to have him hold me so tight I couldn't breathe, to warm my lips with his kisses and to make me feel that
everything would be okay.
"Oh Daddy, I don't want you to go. I don't want you to just come by," I choked. The tears were streaming freely down my face now. No matter how I tried, I couldn't hold back the sobs. My shoulders shook. Finally Daddy embraced me and held me tighter than he had ever held me and he kissed my hair and stroked me.
"There, there, my darling princess. It will be all right. You'll see. Once we're over the hump, it will be all right." He held me and wiped away my tears. "You're the owner's daughter. You want to put on a good face and go upstairs to say goodbye to people alongside me. Will you do that for me?"
"Of course I will, Daddy." I swallowed my cries, but I started to hiccup. Daddy laughed.
"I hold my breath," I said. "That usually works."
"That's the spirit." He stood up. "Take your time and then come up and join me for breakfast. After that, we'll go to the bridge and watch Captain Willshaw bring the ship into the harbor. Okay? And no matter what, Princess, always remember I love you. Promise?"
"I promise, Daddy, and I'll always love you."
"That's the spirit, the spirit of the sea. I'll wait for you upstairs." After he closed the door, I sat there staring at it.
My heart was an aching ruin, but I was too emotionally exhausted to cry anymore, even though a part of me wanted to bawl and bawl until my body was dried out. Then I felt angry, furious at Momma for doing this. How selfish she was. Now I saw how selfish she'd always been. How could she care only about herself like this? How could she do this to Daddy and to me? Who cares how young she was or how young she looked? She wouldn't be young forever and she would never find anyone who loved her as much as Daddy had, and still did!
Oh, it was so ungrateful of her to turn her back on him now that the years had passed. He had rescued her from a horrible life. She'd told me all that herself, and now, she was casting him aside, just because she wanted to have more fun. Maybe it wasn't too late. Maybe I could talk Momma into changing her mind, I thought. No one even has to know she went to Mexico to get that horrible divorce. She could go back and change it again. Once she saw she had ruined my life,. .
My heart sunk like a rock in a pond because I knew Momma obviously had to have considered all this before and it hadn't made her stop. She had left me in Jamaica, hadn't she? This was too important to her. She wouldn't listen to anything I had to say, I thought, and no amount of crying, not even gallons and gallons of tears, would convince her she was wrong.
Daddy had accepted it; there was no hope left in him, I concluded. I got up slowly and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked horrible, my face streaked, my eyes bloodshot. I still had the hiccups, too. It kept happening so fast and so hard, it actually began to hurt. I drank a glass of water and then held my breath, but it didn't go away until I had washed my face again and was ready to go up to the dining room to join Daddy. I had no appetite, but I would do what he asked of me.
After breakfast Daddy and I went to the bridge just as he had promised and we st
ood beside Captain Willshaw watching him and the officers oversee the docking of The Jillian. How sad it must be for Daddy, I thought, to think of the ship's name now. I remembered the day he had taken Momma and me for a ride without telling us the reason. He had turned down to the dock pretending he had a short errand to run, and suddenly there it was before us . . . the new ocean liner being readied for christening. Both Momma and I were excited, but it wasn't until Daddy pulled right alongside the ship that we understood why he was so insistent we take this ride. There were the words brightly painted over the sides of the new liner: The Jillian.
How Momma had squealed with delight and covered Daddy's face with kisses. But that seemed so long ago, ages ago.
Now as we drew closer and closer to the dock, I could see the crowd of people that had gathered to greet the returning voyagers. There were taxi cabs lined up alongside limousines and private vehicles. Down below on the decks, passengers were waving and shouting at people who were waving hats and handkerchiefs, taking pictures and calling to them. I looked for Momma, but I didn't see her anywhere. Finally, I saw one of our cars, but there was just Paul Roberts, a driver we used frequently, standing beside the car, waiting.
"Isn't Momma coming for me, paddy?"
"I had an idea she might just send Paul with the car. She's not anxious to set eyes on me."
"But what about me! She should be here like everyone else's relatives."
"She's just avoiding a scene," Daddy said He was defending her even now, I thought. If she only knew how much he really loved her. I was determined to tell her.
"You're not coming home at all now, Daddy?" I asked quietly. I knew he was depending on me not to cry and not to give away our personal problems in front of the passengers and crew members.
"No. I have some work to do yet. You just go on ahead. I'll come by later."