“You and I must go to very different parties then,” Susannah quips. “Personally, I just have to say one word . . . yes.”
I giggle, Susannah’s funny sometimes. Normally she’s not, but recently, she’s been a lot more playful as Derrick’s been more straight talking, less flirty.
“Maybe that works for you,” Derrick says, chuckling, “but for a lot of us, we need some help. I sure did.”
“You?” I ask in stereo with Susannah. “How?”
“Way back when, I developed a crush on one of the girls in my school. She was pretty, a social leader, played on the girl’s volleyball team, all that. I was a sophomore and basically ate, slept, and breathed football. Didn’t have much practice talking to the opposite sex. Needless to say, she left me tongue-tied.”
“Oh really? Mr. Love Whisperer didn’t know what to say?”
“Nope. Every time I had a chance to talk to her, I found myself acting stupid or posing awkwardly like I was Mr. Chill. In the end, I lost my chance. She started dating a guy, and they stayed together until they both graduated. That’s okay, I’ve moved on and things are great, but lesson learned. Take the shot! I never even knew if she liked me back because I didn’t know how to read her signs or if I was giving out any signs myself other than a Wyle E. Coyote ‘Help!’ sign. Anyway, let’s get to some callers. Who’s up first, Suz?”
“First up, we’ve got Rich.”
“How’re you doing, Rich?”
The voice that comes on has to be partly played up, this guy sounds like he just came out of a Dukes of Hazzard re-run. “Well D, I done got me an issue. You see, there’s this lady that I see quite often, actually she’s my hair stylist.”
“So you see her how often?” Derrick asks, and I lean forward, forgetting my work.
“About twice a month, but every time I swear she’s lookin’ at me like she’s interested. I mean, I know she’s single, a little older than me but not too much, and she’s as purty as they come. But I don’t want to make it awkward if I approach her and she says no, know what I mean? I mean, I’ve got one of those heads of hair that just needs a good touch, and she’s about the only one who can keep me from just saying fuck it and shaving the whole thing off.”
The call continues, with Susannah taking most of the lead on that one. “A lot of how women flirt can be almost subtle, and it’s a combination of things,” she says. “For example . . . Derrick, describe what I’m doing.”
“You just tossed your hair over your shoulder,” Derrick says, and inside I feel a little jealous.
“And now?”
“You did the same thing.”
“Right, but this time, I smiled and kept eye contact for longer. You see, when a woman is interested in a man, we usually play it like . . . well Rich, do you fish?”
“Who doesn’t like to fish?”
“That’s up for another debate,” Derrick says. “But go ahead, Suz.”
“Sometimes we try to play it like a fisherman trying to get that big bass to latch onto the hook. If we just throw ourselves out there, the fish knows either the bait’s bad or it’s just a trap to get them on a big fucking hook, right? But if you play it too hard, the fish will lose interest and move on to something easier. So sometimes teasing a man along to see if they’re really interested is the best way. But Rich, you’ll never know if you don’t try.”
“And if there’s a big fucking hook in the middle of the bait?”
“Some people call that marriage,” Derrick jokes, and even I have to laugh at that one. “Seriously though, sounds like good advice. If you think she’s interested, and you’re obviously interested, go for it. Not saying you have to show up next time singing Alan Jackson for her, but hell man, call her up and ask if she wants to get a cup of coffee or go to dinner. Worst thing that could happen is she says no. Best thing . . . well, there’s a lot of great things that can happen too. Even with big hooks.”
The calls continues, and as I listen, I notice a trend. I realize the show is about flirting and how to ask the opposite sex out, but I can’t shake the idea of Susannah flirting with Derrick, even if it’s for the radio. Normally, I’m not the jealous, possessive type, but damn . . . I’m ready to kick some ass when the song break comes on and I fire off a text to Derrick.
How’s the show coming along?
Fun, but I can’t wait until its over. Getting awkward.
Relief. He’s upfront about what’s happening, which means he’s just doing this professionally. I can deal with that. Me2. OK, gonna try and work. Call U after show.