I laughed, and he clicked again and brought up a picture of himself riding a horse, and then one with him running in an Olympic race.
"I wish that was real. Evan," I said softly.
He smiled at me.
"It is real. This is make-believe," he said, indicating his wheelchair. Daddy would agree, I thought. Daddy would love this.
"You've got your own magic box," I said softly, gazing at his computer monitor.
&nbs
p; "Exactly," he said, smiling, and I wondered if I really would help him or harm him by doing what Charlotte had hoped I would do: bring him out of this room and away from his own world.
6 A New Life
Mommy attacked our home with a vengeance. It was as if she was getting back at all the bad luck and hard times she had ever suffered after marrying Daddy. Anything that in the slightest way provided a painful or unpleasant memory was eagerly dropped into the garbage cans, no matter what its monetary value. She did the same with things I had thought were important reminders of her relationship with Daddy.
I was really surprised at how she sifted through her wardrobe, selecting so many dresses, blouses, pants, and even shoes to give away. None of it was worn-out or faded. When I questioned her, she turned to me and said. "You heard Charlotte. What point would there be in bringing these clothes to that house? They're so out of style, she wouldn't want me to wear them anyway. And besides." she added like a little girl just before Christmas. "she's buying me a whole new wardrobe. You heard her."
"Maybe she was just exaggerating. Mommy." She thought a moment and then shook her head, first slowly and then vigorously as she convinced herself more and more. "No, no. Rose, she wants us there too much and she doesn't want us to be unhappy and leave. No. For the first time, what little old me wants is going to be important."
She then advised me to do the same thing: scrutinize my clothing and pack in boxes whatever was too old or out of style.
"You'll give it away along with all my stuff." she told me, but I didn't listen.
Something inside told me to beware of being too beholden to Charlotte Alden Curtis. Maybe it was the manner in which Evan spoke of her and showed what he really thought of her. His sarcastic remarks about her seemed sharper to me than they were about anyone or anything else, and when he looked at her, he always seemed to narrow his eyes with suspicion and distrust. I realized of course that it could just be his way. He had first looked at me in a similar fashion. Still. I wasn't as optimistic about the move as Mammy was. In the back of my mind, I saw it as just another pit stop on the way to some other destination Fate had already determined for us.
While I was packing, Barry called, and it occurred to me how strange and curious my sudden departure from our school would seem to all the other students. Paula would surely use it as confirmation of her theories and justification for her rumors. But what difference does all that make to me now anyway? I thought. I'll be gone from here forever.
Barry was stunned at the suddenness of our moving. I explained how it was an opportunity for us that we couldn't afford to pass up and how it provided a solution to our financial dilemma. Mammy and I had concocted a cover story for our instant move, a story she was using with the landlord as well. According to Mommy, Mrs. Curtis was an old friend of my daddy's family and needed someone to help her with the care of her invalid nephew since the unfortunate death of his mother. It was a fiction based on some truth, which made Mommy more
comfortable about our lies.
"Oh, sure," Barry said. "I can understand all that. Actually, you're not that far away anyhow, Can I come out to take you to dinner Saturday?"
"I'd like that." I said and promised to call and give him my own phone number as soon as it had been established.
I was very happy that he wouldn't give up on me so easily. We talked a little longer. He asked questions about Evan and Charlotte, but I was able to simply say I didn't know enough about it all yet. It bothered me to have to throw up a wall of deceit between us. I was more comfortable and at ease with Barry than I had been with any other boy and I liked him very much.
Daddy's exploits had shown me what deception could do to a relationship. It made every word uttered and every kiss given seem like just so much smoke. If someone didn't know himself where his heart belonged, how could you ever trust his promises or his claims of love? How similar had Daddy's words of love with Angelica been to the words of love he pressed with his lips into Mommy's ear? Did all men practice one set of romantic and cherished utterances on every woman they met and wanted? Without trust there could be no love. I decided, and understood why Evan had so dark a vision for himself. He surely believed he would be without love his whole life.
Could I change that? Did I want even to try? Was I the right person for the task anyway? At the moment, still recovering from what Daddy had done to us. I was one of those crippled people I had described to Evan. How could I convince him to open his heart to anyone? How could I promise him rainbows? I was still under the dark clouds myself,
It was very difficult falling asleep for the last time in this house. Butterflies circled themselves in my stomach every time I thought about what we were committing ourselves to do. To me it looked like Charlotte Alden Curtis was using us, as if we were some sort of Band-Aid to cover the rips and tears in the fabric of her own tattered family life. It was surely like asking the blind to lead the blind, I thought. Tommy wasn't really strong enough to be anyone's crutch. She had trouble standing on her own two feet.
When I did finally fall asleep. I tossed and turned so much, I found the blanket wrapped so tightly around my legs in the morning it was as if I was trying to tie myself down to keep myself from rising and going through with the move.
Mammy was up at the blink of sunlight through the veil of clouds that were daubed over the pale blue morning sky. I heard her bustling about, making final checks of drawers and closets and then marching up and down the hallway and stairs, deliberately making more noise than usual so I would get up and join her. Finally, she called to me.
"Don't forget Charlotte is sending the car at ten. Rose. We want to be ready!"
Ready? Would we ever be ready for this? I wondered, but rose, showered, and dressed in jeans and one of Daddy's old flannel shirts he had given me months ago.
"Why didn't you throw out that shirt?" Mommy asked the moment she set eyes on me. "You don't want to go to a house like that wearing some old, smelly shirt. Rose.'"
"It's not smelly, Mommy, and I don't expect we'll have to dress up every day, all day, just because it's a mansion."
"Well. I've decided to do something about myself." Mommy explained as she poured her coffee and sat at the table. "I'm going to get rid of this haggard, old-lady look, do what Charlotte suggested and get an up-to-date hairstyle, take more care with my makeup, and dress nicely all the time. I want to look like I belong in that house.