He nodded. "Sure. Considering what you've been through, no wonder. Well," he added, "if you insist on staying here another night, I guess we can go upstairs. We still have the blankets I brought last night."
I nodded. He took my glass and set it on the table. Then he helped me up and took the lantern. We made our way through the darkness and ascended the stairs, neither of us saying much. He wrapped his right arm around me, and I laid my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes.
Suddenly I heard something below and stopped walking. "What was that?"
"What?"
"I heard something." I gazed into the darkness beneath us. "Mommy! Are you there?"
Silence.
"Might have been a mouse," Jack suggested. I continued to listen and then agreed. He continued to lead me up the stairs, my head against his shoulder.
"Here we are," he announced when we reached Mommy's old bedroom. Jack set the lantern down on the nightstand, and I took off my shoes and lay back. He stood there for a moment looking down at me. I reached up and he took my hand. He brought it to his lips. I said nothing. My heart was pounding. He waited a moment and then let go to turn away and go to the settee.
"Jack," I said. It was as if my voice had the power to act at will. His name was on my lips so quickly that I didn't have a chance to think why or what I wanted. It didn't matter. He knew.
He returned to my side, knelt beside the bed to kiss my hand, and then leaned over to kiss my lips. "Pearl," he whispered.
I tried to reason, to think about what was happening, just the way I always had when I kissed a boy. But tonight my scientific appraisal never took hold; the part of me that questioned and analyzed every touch, every kiss, never showed its face; and it wasn't only because of the wine. In Jack's arms I felt secure; I felt his concern and his care. What he wanted to happen, he wanted for both of us.
His touch was gentle, unselfish. Instead of feeling anxious and fearful, I welcomed the whirl of emotions; I wanted to be engulfed in the tidal wave. I felt myself unlock every door, invite every kiss. I lifted my chin so his lips would fall against my neck, and I kissed his cheeks and his eyes. When he rose, I moved over to make- place for him.
"Pearl," he whispered. Never did my name sound so sweet.
His hands moved over my arms to my breasts. Our clothing seemed to peel away so our skin could touch. Every time he paused, a little hesitant, a little unsure, I kissed him harder, driving away any reluctance, assuring him I wanted to follow the trail we were both burning to my heart.
"Are you sure?" he whispered one final time. "Yes, oh, yes, Jack," I replied.
With each touch of his lips, of his hands, I felt electrifying sensations. I realized I was not some scientific creature, after all. I was a woman.
We exploded against each other. I bit down on his ear so hard I thought I tasted blood, but he didn't complain. He held me tightly, his kisses winding down slowly as our hearts slowed. He held on to me like someone who never wanted to let go.
"Are you all right?" he asked when I didn't speak and practically held my breath.
I nodded and whispered yes. He released his hold on me and lay back beside me. Neither of us said a word for a long moment.
"Pearl," he finally began, "I don't want you to think that--"
"Don't" I pressed my finger to his lips. "Don't you dare explain anything."
I could see his look of surprise.
"Je ne regret rien. I regret nothing," I said quickly. He smiled and kissed me.
We made love passionately, both sure of what we wanted. Without timidity and hesitation, it was a
long, flowing stream of passion that climbed higher and higher until it burst in a waterfall, pounding rocks below again and again and again, each time punctuated with a bigger, happier Yes.
Exhausted, we separated and lay next to each other, waiting for our breathing to slow, our hearts to stop pounding. I felt a warm glow over my body and closed my eyes.
Jack found my hand and held it. "You were born in a hurricane all right," he said, and I laughed.
As my passion receded, however, my reason and logic returned, bringing with it the baggage of guilt. What was wrong with me? How could I behave with such abandon? I knew if I said one word, Jack would be filled with guilt, too, and I didn't want that.
Yet in the midst of all this turmoil and unhappiness, I had found such pleasure. It wasn't right, was it? I turned my back to him and bit down on my lip.
Jack, as if he were listening to my thoughts, turned to me and whispered, "It's all right. It doesn't mean you care less about your family or you're not trying hard to help them. You can't drive yourself at top speed without taking a break to recharge your batteries. You're human, Pearl. I think maybe you forget that sometimes."