“Oh,” I replied bitterly, “I know exactly how hard it was.” I’d wanted to murder him.
“I’m sorry. For what it’s worth.”
I looked up and met his eyes. I saw a grayish tint in their green depths and I knew that I still loved him.
Fuck him, fuck him to fucking hell.
“What are you sorry for?” I asked raggedly.
“For lying to you, for manipulating you, for…I should’ve stopped Brian. I could’ve stopped the accident, but I—”
He couldn’t have. He was doing a job. One more worthy and honorable than I’d ever know, but he’d lost a brother. While I’d lost my best friend/boyfriend/and security blanket.
We’d both lost Brian and it was an ache we felt in our hearts.
“Maybe.” I wasn’t letting him off the hook, but I understood that no one can control the future. Not ever.
“Terry,” he whispered, ripping his eyes from mine.
“What did you lie to me about?”
“Huh?”
“You said that you lied, but there was a bunch you didn’t lie about. So what were the lies?”
“Oh,” he sighed tiredly, “just who I am, I guess. Almost everything about me. The Seven8, letting it run drugs, hiding how much I hate drugs, just…I guess everything about me.”
“So what didn’t you lie about?”
“I cried those nights, you know,” he murmured hollowly. “You’d always leave Brian at rehab and it was our date. You and me, comforting each other, but you never noticed that I cried right alongside of you. Those nights nearly broke me.”
“What about Ben and Cammy and…everyone?”
“No one knew about me. You were pretty much the only one who might’ve figured me out. I couldn’t risk that, I’m sorry, Terry.”
“So you and Cammy…were you really together?” I was not holding my breath. It didn’t matter at all to me.
“Yeah, we were. I cared about her.” He shrugged, “She just didn’t know that I loathed her a little bit every time she snorted some coke.”
He chuckled, eyes far-off, “Remember those nights when Brian would have a temper tantrum and you’d hide in my room? I loved those nights.”
That was right. It was our little sick joke on Brian. He’d get mad about something and I always threatened to leave the house if he didn’t stop acting like a baby. I’d always leave the house, but I never went home. I’d just circle the house and crawl up to Jace’s window. He always had it open and ready for me. And every time I’d climb through, he’d just watch me silently and I’d either curl up behind his bed or in his closet. One time I was able to hide under all the covers on his bed. I’d fallen asleep that night and Brian had been furious with me. I woke up the next morning and Jace had been right next to me. That was the first time I felt a tingle from him.
For a week after that whenever Brian would have a tantrum, I actually left the house for mine.
“Yeah,” I murmured.
“Fuck, Terry—”
“I know.”
“I loved Brian so fucking much and we—”
“I know.”
“It wasn’t just Dad, you know. Yeah, Dad did his best to brainwash Brian against me, but it was you too. Bri met you first, that was the bottom line and even if I could’ve taken you away from him…you’d never let me. Because that’s who you are.”
It was true. I really had loved Brian, but what I felt for Jace was different. Just totally different. And now…it was a bittersweet love.