The past several days of not even being able to touch her near a bout killed me. I stop kneading her shoulders and wrap my arms around her waist. For an hour, we sit and listen to that song repeatedly. Emily leans over and presses the stop button on the iHome. She turns in my arms and I cradle her.
“Thank you,” is all she says.
Once her body stops convulsing with hiccups from crying, I start talking.
“I've missed you. How have you been?”
“Terrible. I thought that if I submerged myself in my guilt and grief, I would be able to find a stopping point somewhere to begin to heal. If only I'd realized sooner that coming back to you was the answer. I've missed you so much.”
“Does this mean...” I want so badly to say it, but I'm scared of being denied.
“Yes,” Emily answers weakly. “Let's go to my house. There's something I want to share with you.”
Emily leads me to her house. We decide to walk instead of driving. It brings us back to our roots, where everything started. Mike's out of the house when we get there and Emily takes me straight to her room. I sit on the bed and watch her walk over to her suitcase. As she fumbles with the things inside, I look around her room.
It's different from the last time I saw it. Only a few pictures remain on the wall. The rest are in a stack on her nightstand. Before I can begin to wonder if she looks through them before going to sleep, Emily is taking a seat next to me. In her lap is a box.
Slowly, Emily's slender fingers open it. I place a hand on her lower back seeing that she is having a hard time sharing this with me. Reaching inside the box, Emily pulls out a teddy bear. A tear splashes onto its nose.
“I bought this for the baby. I wanted the baby to have something soft to cuddle with when he or she went to sleep. The reason I haven't shared this with you is because it was one of the only tangible things I had left of the baby. Being selfish, I wanted to keep it to myself. There's this too.”
A white onesie rests in my lap. Tears form and fall over as I read the words written on the shirt. I have the World's Greatest Daddy. My heart breaks at the sight and inside I feel hollow.
“It was supposed to be a surprise.”
I turn to Emily and wrap her in my arms. We both shed tears on one another's shoulders. Today marks the fifth month since the miscarriage. Tears fall like a flood and I don't think they will ever stop.
“Thank you Emily.”
“I love you Jake. I'm glad you texted me. The thought of having to go through today without you was worrying me.”
“I'm always here. Even when I'm physically not, you can always find me in here.” I touch the place over her heart.
Emily bites her lip and instantly, I know something still isn't sitting right with her.
“What is it,” I ask tilting her head up so she looks at me.
“You know there is nothing between Kyle and me, right?”
“I know.”
“Jake, I'm so sorry. Now, I can see that I was being selfish. I love you so much. Can you forgive me?”
“Of course I can, Sweetness,” I confirm.
“And you and Eve?”
Her eyes stare into the depths of my own, searching for the answer she so desperately wants to hear. I furrow my eyebrows in thought, wondering how she knows Eve.
“I met her at one of your games.”
“You've been to my games?”
“Of course.”
“She is just someone I talk to Emily. Like how you talk to Kyle.”
Emily leans into me. The words I spoke to her the night I left weigh on my shoulders.