If worries were warts, my body and soul would be covered in them. I feel like a scared turtle hiding in its shell only to peek out for a glance. I eventually come out once it's clear that Jake isn't going to come back. In my bed, I finally allow myself to let out all my grief and heartache.
Bolting upright, I regain some composure from the nightmare I just had. I must have fallen asleep while crying. Rolling over I expect to see Jake but the night's events come back full force. Fine. I don’t want him here anyway. In this dream, he once again killed my precious little baby with a smile on his face while blaming me for the entire thing.
Hours pass and I'm still awake. Not knowing what to do with myself, I'm tempted to call Kyle. After all, the girls don't know about the miscarriage and I don’t want to explain everything to them at four in the morning. However, I know that I shouldn't. All this thinking has made me realize that I was sending Kyle the wrong message. That's clear to me now. Even though I know that we are just friends doesn't mean that Kyle or Jake knows it.
The realization that I am mad at Jake hits me like a cannon ball. The house feels empty without him, but I ignore it. I am still pissed at having to clean up after both of us. A little help here and there would be nice. I am just as busy and tired as he is. It ticks me off that he would be too tired to help out, but not too tired to have sex with me.
I kicked Jake out. My nightmares are worse. Jake's probably furious with me. I'm tired of dealing with everything. I want to be able to sleep one night without waking up in fear. Every time Jake and I get on solid ground, something happens and I go and mess it up.
What am I going to do? I love Jake so much, but what if it's not enough?
I just want to go back to the way thing
s were before. What if I've messed things up permanently? Nothing is easy anymore, but what was I expecting?
It is like a storm with dark, ominous clouds covering up the sun. It's so hard to remember the sun is there at all with all the darkness covering it up. I have to find my sun again. It is something that I feel I need to do alone.
Days pass in a numb routine. I want to go to Jake's hockey games to see how he's been doing on the ice. Instead, I have been sitting at home. Sometimes alone, sometimes with one of the girls. They have been really supportive, even if they don’t really know what all is going on between Jake and myself.
Finally, I give in and go to a game. I sit in the very last row in order to conceal my presence. I'm relieved to see Jake at his best, even with me at my worst. It's good to know that our current situation isn't affecting his playing.
In fact, it seems as if it is benefiting his game. Shots that Jake normally wouldn't try to make, he was hitting them anyway. Nine times out of ten, he scored.
“Hey,” a female sits beside me.
I look over, but I don't recognize her.
“Um, hey.”
“I'm Eve. I am the girl who dropped Jake off that night at Coffee Beans.”
“Oh. Okay. Are you good friends with Jake?”
“Shouldn't you know? You are his girlfriend, aren't you?”
“Not at the moment.”
Realization dawns on her face and her small lips form a tiny o.
“Well, we are good friends. We've been hanging out a lot lately.”
“How is he?” The voice that slips out is the one I spent too long with. I thought I had parted with it forever, but there it is.
“He seems distracted mostly. Except for when he's playing.” Eve turns to look at Jake skating across the ice.
“Jake always gets lost in the game once he steps into the rink.”
“I know.”
I tilt my head to the side to look at this girl who was spending so much time with Jake. Jealously rises but I push it away. Kyle had been at the house a few times since, so it isn't like he is the only one hanging out with someone else.
“I'm the goalie on the girl's team,” she answers my unspoken question.
I see that time is running out on the scoreboard.
“I should get going. Jake doesn't know I'm here. It was nice meeting you.”
“Nice to finally meet you too.”