“Have you two talked more about adoption, then?”
“Again, there’s no point. I have no intention of forcing Lisa to settle for someone else’s child when she’s perfectly capable of having her
own. I won’t rob her of the experience of feeling her baby kick inside her, of having him nestled at her breast or seeing herself when she looks in his eyes.”
“The way my daughter feels about you would more than compensate her for missing those things.”
“I’m not so sure about that. But even if it does now, for how long? What if we find out, too late, that it doesn’t compensate at all?”
Oliver spread his hands wide. “Do we ever have such guarantees?”
“It’s a moot point, regardless,” Marcus said, standing. “Because while Lisa needs to be a mother, I am not meant to be a father.”
“What nonsense is this?” Oliver stood, too, facing Marcus. “You’d make a wonderful father.”
“Apparently the good Lord doesn’t agree with you.” Marcus held up his hand, warding off Oliver’s next words. “Say what you will, Oliver, but I’ve thought about this long and hard. Hell, sometimes it feels as though I think of nothing else. And the only conclusion I come to is that I’m not meant to be a father. It’s the only thing that makes my sterility bearable—the thought that maybe I’m sparing some poor kid a bad life.”
“I’d be more willing to bet that any child you fathered, by any means, would live a blessed life,” Oliver said softly.
Marcus forced himself to look the older man straight in the eye. “I’ve failed Lisa. Our plans together have become impossible dreams. I do not intend to go on failing her.”
“What are you saying, son?” Oliver asked, his brow furrowed.
“I’ve bought a house in Chicago. I plan to stay there until the divorce is final—maybe forever if Lisa wants our house. I certainly have no need for it.”
Oliver fell back into his chair, stunned. “You’re walking out on her?”
“Of course not,” Marcus said quickly. “I’ll be there for her until the day I die, if she needs me to be. I’m simply giving her the freedom to find another man to build her dreams around. I hope, in the long run, I’ll be making her happy again.”
“And this is what you want? For another man to father Lisa’s children? You trust another man to teach them, to provide for them, to love them?”
Marcus sat back down, knowing he’d lost, even while.Oliver was still fighting for him. The thought of Lisa in another man’s arms made him want to kill. But what kind of man would he be to deny her the chance? Didn’t loving her mean making her happy? And if that meant freeing her to find the dreams he couldn’t give her, what choice did he have?
“I trust Lisa to choose a man who would be worthy of her children,” he said, the words cutting a wound clear to his soul.
“You’re determined to do this?”
“I am.”
“What about your own happiness, son?”
“I’ll be a lot happier than I am now just knowing she’s happy again.”
Who the hell am I kidding? he thought. If I get through the next twenty-four hours, it’ll be a miracle.
FEELING LIKE A MAN convicted for a crime he didn’t commit, Marcus walked slowly up the front steps of the house he’d grown up in. The late-August heat was sapping his strength, but he wouldn’t take off his jacket. He couldn’t afford to get comfortable. Just a little bit longer, and he could crawl away and begin the long arduous chore of healing his wounds. One thing was for sure. He was going to be healing them alone.
The house was silent when he let himself in. He was glad he’d waited until Hannah was gone before confronting Lisa. He couldn’t stand to think of someone else overhearing the demise of his marriage.
“Lis? You home?” he called, dropping his keys into the little brass tray on the side table.
“In here,” Lisa called from the living room.
She was sitting on the couch, her legs tucked up under the skirt of her pale blue suit, hugging one of his mother’s brocade throw pillows to her chest. She avoided his eyes when he walked in, killing his last hope that there was another way. His decision was right. It was necessary.
“Our time’s up, isn’t it, Lis?” he asked, forcing himself to sit down and handle this calmly.
Her gaze flew to his face, stricken, but she looked away again immediately, still hiding from him. He wondered if it was relief she was hiding. She’d probably been ready to do this weeks ago, but knowing Lisa, she’d never be the one to leave him. She’d stand beside him until the end if he asked her to. And as soul destroying as Marcus knew that would be, he was tempted, even now, to ask. If she’d just look at him.