Lisa looked up at her husband, took in his strong handsome features despite the shadows and the blur of her tears. “You are the best kind of man, Marcus Cartwright. Don’t you ever doubt that.”
“So what are we going to do, Lis? We’re right back where we started.”
“I don’t know,” Lisa said. But deep inside, she did know. She knew what she was going to have to do—not just for herself, but for Marcus. Because she knew her husband, his sense of honor. Eventually he would let his misplaced sense of failure convince him to leave her, to release her to what he saw as a happier life for her. But she also knew that when he did that, he’d have no life at all. He’d never have the chance to be the father he was meant to be. The father he wanted to be as much or more than she wanted to be a mother. He’d never have the family he’d been dreaming about all his lonely life.
Not unless she took the decision out of his hands.
SICK WITH ANXIETY, with guilt, with the million doubts that had been whirling around inside her all week, Lisa once again walked into Beth’s office. She was ovulating. According to the results of the blood test, her hormone level was optimum. It was time.
Beth glanced up as Lisa came in, took one look at her face and came around the desk. “Hey, there’s no reason to rush into this if you aren’t ready, Lis,” she said, placing a hand on her arm. “It’s not too late to back out, try again next month if you want to. Or not.”
Lisa thought of Marcus’s death grip on her that night a week ago. She didn’t know how much time she had left.
“What? And waste poor thawed-out page fortynine?” she joked. She had no intention of backing out on what might be Marcus’s only shot at the life he’d worked so hard for.
Beth smiled, but her eyes were filled with concern. “Seriously, Lis. I’m starting to feel as if I’ve pushed you into this. It has to be something you want deep in your heart. I don’t need to remind you we’re talking about the possibility of another life here.”
The thrill that shot through Lisa at the mention of that life was all the incentive she needed. “I’m ready, Beth. Now quit being a mother hen and hurry up and make me a mother before I have a premature bout of morning sickness.”
Beth nodded. “Okay. Everything’s ready. Right down the hall. But if you want to change your mind, just say the word.”
Lisa found it oddly amusing that Beth was the one getting cold feet.
LISA LOST HER lunch. But not until she’d waited the obligatory couple of minutes after Beth, clad in a white lab coat, had finished injecting her with the seed she hoped would create a new life for her and Marcus. She’d even managed to get herself back into the pale peach suit she’d donned that morning, in spite of the row of tiny buttons on the jacket. It was when she’d slipped the paperwork Beth had given her into her purse that she’d had to dart for the bathroom.
She wished she could lose the memory of the past half hour as thoroughly as she’d lost the contents of her stomach. She felt as if she’d betrayed the vows she’d made to Marcus on their wedding day.
She’d almost yelled at Beth to stop when Beth had told her she was about to pass the specimen. But her mind had been too filled with Marcus’s desperation when they’d finally gone back to bed that night a week ago, as if, through sheer strength of will, he could make everything right for them. The frenzy with which he’d made love to her had convinced her more than anything that he knew it was only a matter of time before he forced himself to leave her.
But the same sense of honor that would force him to go would also force him to stay once he learned she was pregnant. Wouldn’t it? He’d stay long enough to fall in love with their baby, to see that Lisa was right, that what she’d just done was their route to happiness. Wouldn’t he?
Lisa’s stomach turned over again as the panic she’d been holding at bay all week finally got the better of her. What if she’d just made an irrevocable mistake? What if Marcus didn’t accept this baby as his own? What if he couldn’t forgive her for what she’d just done? Oh, God, what if she lost him, anyway?
Leaning over the toilet bowl in the clinic’s bathroom a second time, Lisa held her hair back and was sick again.
“Lisa? You okay in there?”
“Fine.” Lisa tried to inject some conviction into her voice. Being sick had always terrified her.
A key scraped in the lock and Beth’s face appeared around the edge of the partially open door. Apparently Lisa hadn’t been convincing enough.
Her friend was inside the lavatory with the door shut behind her in a flash. She felt for Lisa’s pulse.
Lisa smiled at her friend’s show of concern. “I really am fine, Beth. Just not used to handling the big stuff on my own. Marcus is usually around to carry half the burden.” Beth checked her pulse, anyway. “I hadn’t realized just how much I’d come to depend on his opinion when I’m making a decision. I really like having him there to confide in.”
“So you still haven’t told Marcus about this,” Beth said.
Lisa shook her head.
“And you’re sick with guilt.”
“That and a few other pressing emotions. Like panic.”
Beth nodded. “A little bit of panic is to be expected, even when a couple has been planning this together for months. Having a baby’s a big step.”
There it was again. That tiny thrill that was like nothing else Lisa had ever felt. A baby. A new life. A son or daughter to fill the empty rooms in Marcus’s house. In his life. And hers.
“Do you think it’ll take?” she asked Beth, rubbing her hand over her flat belly.