Resisting the urge to take her hand, to kiss the palm, and then the rest of her, he shoved his fingers under his thighs, trapping them against hard, cold cement.
“There will be no physical relationship between us of any kind.”
Breath seeped out of him at her words. He couldn’t speak until he took a moment to let his lungs refill.
He had to be honest with her about what he wanted—what he hoped for between them. He was pretty sure he’d used up his allotment of lying to her for the rest of their lives.
“Can I just add a caveat that if at any time in the future things change with our situation and we are both fully consenting, we can reopen the physical relationship dialogue?”
“I’m not going to change, Nolan.”
“I’m not saying you are.” He glanced over at her, unable to make out her expression with her long hair falling on either side of her face. “I told you I would be completely honest with you. And, in all honesty, I’m finding you every bit as irresistible now as I ever did.” He felt her stiffen, and back-pedaled. “I’m not saying I want to have sex with you,” he added. “I agree one hundred percent that it would be a stupid idea at this point in our lives. But I need you to know that the feelings I had for you last year, sexual and otherwise...they’re still here.”
Taking a deep breath when he feared that he’d scared her off, he added, “I’m just saying that if, sometime in the future, something changes, I might want to mention it to you.”
“I can’t have you in my home, staying there, with this...this...possibility...hanging there between us.”
He understood. Totally. Wished he didn’t.
“I know.”
“So you agree. No possibility of sex.”
“I agree because I also want what’s best for our daughter.”
Pressing his fingers against the wall beneath him, he waited in the darkness. It was cool out. Low sixties, maybe colder. He shouldn’t be sweating.
“Okay. As long as you agree to leave if things get out of hand, if I start to feel uncomfortable with you there. You know, sexually. Like pressured or something.”
Okay!
He brushed off the agreeing-to-leave part. He’d do it. He just didn’t have to linger on the idea.
She might date someday. Even as quiet and shy as she was, her beauty couldn’t help but attract male attention. Once Stella was a little older and...
He shut the door on those thoughts. No sense borrowing trouble.
He was going to get her to agree to letting him buy her a house—one that would be a home to him, too, twice a month or so, when he came to visit his daughter and the mother of his child. At the moment he couldn’t imagine a better gift.
She wouldn’t have to work so hard. And she’d be able to spend as much time with Stella as she wanted, could enjoy life more than she’d ever been able to do before.
She didn’t trust him. He got that.
But he was still in love with her. He got that, too. And a part of him believed she still had feelings for him.
Their arrangement wasn’t typical. Probably wouldn’t work for a lot of people. But this was him and Lizzie. A fantasy that had become reality.
Chapter Fifteen
Carmela was up and waiting for Lizzie when she came back inside half an hour later.
She didn’t bother to ask her friend, who was in fleece Christmas tree pajama pants and a matching red top sitting up with a cup of tea on the couch, why she was still awake.
“You should be in bed,” she said instead. “You have to be up early.”
“You think I was going to sleep lying in there?” Carmela shot back, giving Lizzie the once-over about half a dozen times. If ever there was a protective bear, Carmela was it, and Lizzie loved her for it.
Just as she knew she could never allow herself to need it. Carmela would be graduating and getting on with her life soon. She’d need to be able to leave Lizzie and