“Because.” She was getting testy. He should drop it.
“Why?” he asked for the second time.
“Because I know I won’t let me down.”
“You’re afraid.”
“No, I’m not.” Maybe she didn’t think she was.
“Seems like you are. Afraid of loving and losing again.” He was pushing her away, and yet he couldn’t stop. Something bigger than lying in bed with her was going on.
“Well, can you blame me? I couldn’t even hold on to my own son.” She sat up, taking the covers with her to hold against her breasts as she grabbed her shirt. He let her go. Didn’t try to stop her from leaving the bed, dressing. Didn’t try to follow her, either.
“Just answer my original question,” he said, propped up against all four pillows as she scooped up the underthings she hadn’t bothered to put on and moved toward the door. “Why me?”
“Because from the very beginning, you were never going to last. I knew that our partnership would be dissolving,” she blurted, reaching for the door handle. “I knew what not to expect.”
“Tabitha!” He was up now, too. Stepping into his jeans.
“What?” Her back was to him, but she’d stopped.
“What if I don’t want the partnership to dissolve?” What was he saying? Of course it had to dissolve! “Or...what if I want a new partnership with you? One where we keep in touch. One with the nonprofit as a project we take on together?”
“We’d be in touch for business, maybe. I’m not going to need anything else. Jackson is at The Bouncing Ball. Somehow I’m going to get him home.”
But she was coming back toward the bed.
It occurred to him then that she was going to need him to hold her up if that boy turned out to be a two-year-old who’d been named Jason at birth. He had to do whatever it took to persuade her to let him hold her up.
“You know what I meant,” he said. “I’ll be around.”
Dropping down to the edge of the bed, she clasped her hands, brushing her thumbs back and forth over her palms. He sat beside her, taking her hands in his.
“I wish you’d give me a chance to be a friend who hangs around,” he said, feeling like he was fighting the case of his life.
“I’m not pushing you out of my life, Johnny, although I guess it might seem that way. I’m right here, in the partnership, until you’re ready to resume your life. We had a setback with the warrant rejection, but we’ve still got Mallory and Braden watching for any signs, they have the lists, Alistair’s still watching Matt. At some point we’re going to find evidence compelling enough to get a warrant.
“And I’m truly thrilled at the idea of working on the nonprofit. I keep thinking about it, and it’s such a great idea. But beyond that, I have to be realistic. When you’re here, living in my world, in the little house next door to me, we have a lot in common. But when you’re back in your real life, we probably won’t have anything in common at all. You’ll be flying corporate jets and...I’m still going to be here. The truth is I am going to be alone.”
He couldn’t argue with her logic.
“Do you mind if I hold you tonight, at least? Or maybe for the next couple of nights? Until we get home?”
“I don’t mind.” She took her clothes back off as he removed his. Climbed back into bed with him. But he was pretty sure, as she laid her head on his chest, that there’d been a sheen of tears in her eyes.
Chapter Twenty
Saturday was a busy day on the food truck. They opened at ten in the morning, a couple of hours earlier than usual, and had a crowd almost from the beginning. Tabitha was glad of the business. Eager to talk to people, to see them out together, happy, living normal lives.
And she was glad to have Johnny there in the truck with her. Too busy to engage in conversation, but still close.
Surprisingly, they’d been fine waking up together that morning. They’d showered in their own rooms, but with the doors open, and met up to leave as if they’d been living together for months.
Several times that morning, she’d wondered about staying together once they got back to Mission Viejo. Just until it was time for him to go.
She could see the dangers. The pitfalls. The longer she slept with him, the closer she’d feel and the harder it would be to lose him.
But now that she knew she wouldn’t be losing all contact, she saw less harm in having as much of him as she could during the time they had left. She wasn’t going to stop living because she was afraid of being hurt.