“Don’t be ridiculous—this is your room.” She goes to her knees but doesn’t climb down off the bed. “If anyone should sleep on the floor, it’s me.”
“Why are we arguing about this? This is a queen-size bed—why should either of us sleep on the floor?” I mumble the next part under my breath; I can’t stop the words from coming out. “Why wouldn’t you after the last time we were in bed together?”
Too loud. Lilly hears me. “I’m sorry—what was that?”
My “Nothing” is such a feminine reply that her face pulls into a snicker.
“Because it sounded like you said ‘Why wouldn’t you after the last time we were in bed together?’ Did I get that right?”
There isn’t much to deny.
I shrug.
Lilly plops back down on her ass, settling back into the cross-legged position. “You know I’ve been wanting to talk to you since we slept together. Why have you been avoiding me?” She continues before I can answer. “I mean, I know why you’ve been avoiding me, but I’d like to hear you say it.”
She wants to hear me say it?
I snort. “Do you blame me? I embarrassed myself.”
“How did you embarrass yourself?”
Is she being serious right now, or have I just entered a parallel dimension? “Don’t make me say it.”
“Did it ever occur to you that your avoidance of me had its own affect? Or were you just worried about yourself?”
I lift my head. What is she talking about? “What do you mean?”
She gestures to the foot of the bed and encourages me to have a seat.
I sit—mostly for lack of anything else to do, because who wants to stand around in blue plaid pajamas looking like a giant dork.
“I mean…we all have our baggage, Roman. Mine is feeling rejected because of my upbringing. And it certainly doesn’t help that I choose guys who don’t want to stick around when things get complicated. Like it did with us.” She motions between our bodies with her hand. “It didn’t go so great the first time we had sex, but so what? We’re just getting to know each other. Were you expecting it to be perfect?”
“Kind of.”
That makes her laugh. “Well fortunately for you, I wasn’t. It never is with someone new.” She shoots me a look. “That didn’t come out right. What I meant was, people aren’t perfect. No one gets it right one hundred percent of the time. Not even you.”
I don’t try to be perfect one hundred percent of the time.”
“You don’t?”
Okay fine—I do. “Not on purpose. It was drilled into me by my parents.”
“Right. Exactly. But some things, by nature, aren’t ever going to be. Like sex. It’s…” She waves her hands around. “Messy and unpredictable. Sometimes it’s too slow and sometimes it’s too fast and sometimes it’s just right—but who’s to say when that will be?”
Why is she making absolute perfect sense? “You’re not pissed I…” I swallow, unable to finish the sentence.
“That you…were so excited you came before I did?”
That’s putting it gently. “I didn’t just come before you did. I came like—after thirty seconds.”
Why I feel the need to point this out is beyond me.
But oddly enough, I don’t feel so self-conscious about it anymore now that I’m sitting here with her discussing it.
Imagine that.
Lilly laughs, a delighted little trill. “See! At least we can talk about it.” She looks so pleased. “This is what I wanted—this is why I kept trying to get you to talk to me, for this.” More motioning back and forth between our bodies with her hands.
She is animated tonight—so much more than at the dinner table earlier. I knew she wasn’t sure how to behave in front of me and in front of my family considering the tension I’ve created.
Yeah—this was all my fault, but she’s here giving me a chance to fix it.
I wring my hands nervously, in uncharted territory.
“So you’re not upset that I came too quickly?” I cannot believe those words just left my mouth and I didn’t choke on them.
Lilly takes a second to think about her answer, shifting her position from legs crossed to hugging her knees. She looks vulnerable but also comfortable in the space.
“I wouldn’t say I’m not upset. I think more so than anything, I’m upset about the way you handled the situation and less upset about the actual act itself? If that makes any sense. I don’t like how you reacted—it bothers me.”
I mull this over in my brain. “I wasn’t sure how to react—obviously I was embarrassed. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before, and if we’re being completely transparent, I don’t have much experience with sex. I wish I did, but I don’t. Maybe that’s what part of the issue was—I got inside my own head.”
“What do you think I want from you? For you to be a sex god? I slept with you because I feel like we have an emotional attachment—or, a connection I mean. I really…like you, Roman. I like you a lot.”