He blew out his breath, not knowing what to do. It was a feeling he wasn’t accustomed to. He was always decisive even when he was dead wrong. He never had a problem knowing what to say even when he was putting his foot in his mouth. Right now he lacked for words.
And then Pippa’s door opened and there she stood, Gloria hovering just behind her. His gaze zeroed in on Pippa. She was pale and wan, deep shadows under her eyes. Her hair was pulled back into a rough ponytail and her cheekbones were more pronounced than ever. Her arms even seemed more slender. The only part of her that seemed normal was the bulge in front where their son rested.
“Pippa,” he said in a low, unsteady voice. “Thank God you’re okay.”
He reached out, wanting to touch her, to somehow confirm that she was really standing before him, but she flinched away. He withdrew his hand, curling his fingers into a tight fist at his side.
She started to move past him and he closed his eyes knowing he couldn’t let her walk away. Not again. Not like this.
“Pippa, wait, please.”
She halted in midstep and stood there a long moment, her back still to him. Then she slowly turned, her eyes dull and lifeless as she stared back at him. Then her chin came up and she squared her shoulders.
“Wait outside for me,” she said to Devon and Gloria. “I’ll just be a minute.”
Gloria Copeland looked very much like she wanted to argue but she kept her mouth tightly shut.
“I’ll wait down the hall so I can walk you out,” Devon said.
Pippa nodded and then turned back to Cam as Devon and Gloria walked away.
No longer able to keep from touching her, Cam reached out to capture Pippa’s hand. He pulled her close so he could feel the steady reassurance of her heartbeat against his chest. She sagged against him, her sigh hitting him right in the gut. It was a forlorn, tired sigh that told him she was at the end of her rope physically and emotionally.
She closed her eyes and turned her face into his neck for just a moment before she pulled away, her expression locked in stone once more.
“I need to go. They’re waiting for me.”
Cam’s protest was automatic. “You can come home with me, Pippa. I’ll take care of you. We have a lot to talk about. There’s a lot I need to say to you. But my first priority is you.”
“No.”
He expected more. An argument. Something he could counter. But all she uttered was a clipped no and stared woodenly back at him.
His heart lurched. This was so much worse than he’d imagined. All the emotion he’d held back since the night before came rushing forward, bulging in his throat.
He put his hand to her face. “My God, Pippa, I thought I’d lost you when I saw the fire and the smoke and all those fire trucks and ambulances.”
The cold, lifeless eyes that stared back at him sent chills down his spine. This wasn’t the Pippa he knew. This was someone else entirely. Someone he’d made with his indifference and his determination not to get emotionally involved with her.
“I knew this would happen. I knew something would happen and I’d lose you both, and that fear controlled me. It made me do and say horrible things. Things I didn’t mean, Pippa.”
“You’re a moron,” she bit out. “You already lost me. The only difference was I didn’t die in the fire. But for all practical purposes I’m dead to you. You lost both of us long before this happened. You spend so much time trying to shield yourself from hurt and you don’t give a damn who you hurt in the process. How’s that working out for you, Cam? Because from where I stand it sucks. Now if you’ll excuse me, I want to go home and go to bed.”
You already lost me.
It was a crippling blow even as he knew it was the truth.
As she pushed by him, he caught her hand, allowing his fingers to trail over it. Then the connection was lost and she turned away.
Cam watched her go, numbness creeping through his body with insidious speed. Her words had penetrated the wall around his heart, the one he’d erected after losing Elise and Colton.
Tears burned his eyes until he blinked to ease the discomfort. She’d stormed right past that supposed barrier the first time he’d ever seen her across a crowded room. There had been no defense no matter how hard he’d tried. No keeping her out. No lying to himself.
He loved her. Had loved her from the start. He’d never really believed in love at first sight until Pippa. His dumb ass had known even then that she was a threat. And so he’d pushed her away. Tried everything in his power to tell himself he didn’t love her, that he didn’t want to love her.
But he did. He wanted to love her more than he wanted to live.
And now it was too damn late.
A hand came down on his shoulder. Startled, he looked to the side to see that Devon had come back to get him.
“I think it’s time you and I had the same talk that I had with Rafe right after I screwed things up so badly with Ashley that I feared I’d never get her back.”
Cam shoved his hands into his pockets, despair and hopelessness weighing down on him from all sides.
Devon pulled him along, herding him toward the doors. When they got to the parking lot, he shoved Cam inside the car and then walked around to get into the driver’s seat. When they were on their way, Devon glanced over at Cam.
“Go big or go home.”
Cam rubbed a hand over his eyes. “Stop talking in riddles. Just say it, man.”
“I’m saying it. You gotta go big or go home. This is it, Cam. You’re playing for all the marbles. For your future. For your son’s future. This is your last chance. You won’t ever get another. It’s time to pull your head out of your ass and start living again. You’re going to have to crawl to Pippa on your hands and knees and lick her shoes if that’s what it takes.”
“I said some unforgivable things.”
Devon shrugged. “Define unforgivable. It’s only unforgivable if she refuses to forgive you. And you don’t know
if she will because you haven’t begged for it.”
“I wouldn’t blame her if she never spoke to me again.”
“Neither would I, but are you going to throw in the towel just because you’re a huge ass and don’t deserve another chance with her? Hell, man, we’ve all screwed up. Rafe, Ryan, me and now you. We seem to have a common thread of being the biggest bastards on the face of the earth when it comes to the women we love. But you know what? Bryony forgave Rafe. Kelly forgave Ryan. Ashley forgave me and Pippa will forgive you. You just have to give her the opportunity and the right motivation.”
“I love her.”
“I know you do. I think you’re the only idiot who didn’t know it until now.”
“I can’t believe what I almost did,” Cam said painfully. “I tried to deny her. I tried to deny my own son. How do you ever get over something like that?”
“The key word is almost,” Devon said. “Tell her you’re a dumb ass and then swear you’ll wise up and never be a dumb ass again.”
Cam sighed. “I just hope she’ll listen.”
“You make her listen. If she means enough to you, then you won’t give up so easily.”
Mean enough? She was his damn world. Her and their son. It was time to take a chance. The biggest chance of his life. It could end badly. They could be taken from him just like Elise and Colton had been.
But it could also end wonderfully. A long life filled with love and laughter. More children. Pippa’s love and her smile. Wasn’t that worth the risk?
Twenty-four
“Pippa, darling, Cam is here to see you, and I should warn you that he’s vowed to sleep outside our door until you agree to talk with him.”
Pippa stared back at Gloria Copeland, her mouth dropping open in astonishment.
“Are you serious?”
Gloria nodded. “I’m afraid so. He does seem quite determined. I would have thought it an empty threat but he’s carrying an overnight bag with him.”
“He doesn’t give up,” Pippa muttered.
In the past two days, Cam had haunted Pippa’s existence. He’d called. He’d come by the Copelands’ apartment. He’d gone by her bakery. He’d made it a point to show up in every conceivable place she could possibly be.
When none of that appeared to work, he’d resorted to text messages. I love you. Flowers. Tons of flowers. Every card signed I love you. The few times she’d actually come face-to-face with him, he’s just stood there, looking so haunted and determined, his eyes never leaving her face.
She felt hunted but not threatened. She was baffled by his persistence, confused by the messages.
After hanging on to desperate hope for so long, she’d made the painful, difficult decision to sever her ties to Cam. And now he was storming back, demanding her attention. Wanting things he’d vowed he’d never want from her.
It made no sense and she was at her wits’ end.
She nibbled at her bottom lip and stared nervously over the back of the couch toward the door. She had no doubt he’d be stubborn. The past two days had proven that much.
“What should I do?” she asked anxiously. The very last thing she wanted was to cause trouble for the Copelands when they’d been nothing but kind and generous to her.
Gloria smiled indulgently and then came to sit beside her on the couch. She pulled her into a tight hug and patted her comfortingly on the back.
“My dear, you do whatever you wish. If you want to talk to him, I’ll be happy to show him in and give you some privacy. Or if you don’t want to be alone I’ll stand guard like a mama lion. If you prefer not to see him, I’ll simply have security remove him from the premises.”
“I do love you, Mrs. C. If only…”
She broke off with a sigh and looked down.
“If only what, dear?”